A Dark and Sunny Day
by RollisiFanGirl
Summary: A tragedy can help us realize our wrongdoings. We may try to correct them, but sometimes, maybe it's too late. After a tragedy hits the squad of Special Victims Unit, Olivia realizes her mistakes. She tries to apologize, but that doesn't matter to Amanda anymore.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: this story was requested by Layla'sStory! Thank you so much for the request! I hope you enjoy the story! :)**

Amanda was sitting at her desk, doing paperwork. If she didn't procrastinate so much, she probably wouldn't feel like she was drowning in paperwork. For Amanda, a single page was too much paperwork, and she was always barely turning them in on time.

Detective Fin and Detective Carisi were also sitting at their desks, doing paperwork. They weren't swamped with it like Amanda was, but they liked to stay on top of it. Lieutenant Benson was in her office. She didn't have any paperwork to do because she always tried to stay ahead. Instead, she was going over case files, looking for links to any of their opened cases.

It had been an uneventful morning, and, because they worked in sex crimes, that was a good thing. It had also been a quiet morning. Lieutenant Benson had come to work after waking up on the wrong side of the bed. She was irritable, and no one wanted to be on her bad side, so they all tried to keep quiet. Amanda came to work late, and she was yelled at by the lieutenant for about five minutes.

Amanda was frustrated with her boss. The two had never really been on good terms with each other. For reasons unknown to Amanda, Olivia resented the young blonde from her first day on the job. As Olivia ranked up, things only got worse. Olivia now acted as though she were superior to the youngest detective. Amanda tried to respect her boss. However, she still always managed to find herself in some sort of trouble.

The tension between the two women did not go unnoticed by the guys. They were well aware that the two didn't get along. Detective Carisi chose to stay out of their bickering. He preferred to stay on everybody's good side. Detective Fin would intervene if he felt the lieutenant had gone too far, and he always had his partner's back. He was respectful towards his boss, but he also made sure his partner didn't feel alone.

Olivia wasn't purposefully bitter towards Amanda. She knew she was strict, and at times, harsh, but she never found herself to be unfair. If somebody had directly pointed it out to her, she may have seen it in hindsight, but no one did point it out to her. She subconsciously had a vendetta against Amanda. Amanda had taken the place of Elliot Stabler, and, while Olivia didn't mean to, she took out her pain on the young blonde.

Around one, Amanda started to feel hungry. She wanted to go clock out for lunch, but she had to inform her lieutenant first. She did not want to do that. The lieutenant had been irritable all morning, and Amanda didn't want to deal with her attitude. She was grateful when Fin suggested the entire squad go to lunch.

"Sounds good. Who's up for Italian?" Carisi asked, his dorky smile appearing.

"No one," Fin answered.

"Pizza sounds good," Amanda chimed in.

"I'm down," Fin agreed.

"Pizza is Italian food," Carisi retorted, a bit annoyed and a bit amused.

"Yeah, but I thought you mean that Italian place you made us try last week," Fin explained.

"What was wrong with that?" Carisi wondered.

"It tasted awful!" Fin stated as though the answer was that obvious. Amanda let out a giggle, finding the guys' bickering hilarious.

"Can you two stop fighting? That's all you do," Amanda laughed.

"That's all you and Liv do," Carisi retorted.

"Hey! She starts it," Amanda grumbled like a five year old. The three of them started laughing at her tone.

"Who starts what?" A new voice asked. Amanda closed her eyes and sighed, hoping Olivia hadn't heard the conversation leading up to that sentence.

"No one. We were just thinking about clicking out for lunch. Does that pizza place down the street sound good?" Fin asked, changing the subject. Amanda was so grateful to have him as her partner.

"Yeah, that sounds good," Olivia agreed.

"Okay. I just need to stop by the bank on the way," Amanda stated.

"Go to the bank after. I'm hungry," Fin argued.

"I have to get money," Amanda explained.

"I'll cover you, and you can pay me back after. We're not waiting for you to go to a bank to eat," Fin decided.

"All right then," Amanda smiled, amused at how hungry Fin was.

Because the pizza place was only down the street, the squad walked. They were seated immediately at a booth. Amanda and Carisi sat together, and Olivia and Fin sat together. Olivia was sitting across from Amanda, and the young blonde tried to avoid the brown eyes. Olivia could be intimidating when she wanted to be, and she was still annoyed that Amanda was late to work.

Fin tried to make conversation with Olivia, but it was obvious she was still in a mood. She answered in short replies and didn't make eye contact with Fin. No one knew why she was so irritable. Carisi and Fin assumed it was probably her time of the month, but Amanda didn't think so. She was sure Olivia just woke up on the wrong side of the bed-it happens. Amanda didn't think it excused her rude remarks, but she understood what it was like to be spoken to when you really didn't want to talk.

"Lieutenant, are you all right?" Carisi asked, deciding he could no longer ignore her obvious mood.

"Of course," Olivia answered, a bit taken back.

"You just seem upset about something," Carisi explained his reason for asking.

"Well, I'm fine," Olivia said, a hint of bitterness in her tone.

If anyone had bothered to pry, they would've known that Olivia was so upset because she had a nightmare last night. It was her first one in months, and she was emotionally drained and physically exhausted due to it. It was a nightmare about Lewis. That awful time took place almost two years ago, and Olivia had since been much better. However, their most recent case seemed to have triggered a nightmare. If anyone had bothered to pry, they wouldn't have judged.

However, nobody bothered to pry. Detective Carisi was still seen as the new guy. He didn't want to cause any problems between his lieutenant and his self. He figured her moodiness was a normal thing, and, at this point, it was.

She usually directed her anger at Amanda, but today, she directed it at everybody in the squad. She was annoyed with Carisi when he accidentally called her "Liv" instead of "Lieutenant." She was annoyed with Amanda for being late, and for just about everything else, but that was usual. She was annoyed with Fin, even though he hadn't done anything.

Detective Fin didn't pry because he knew sometimes people just had bad mornings. He didn't really suspect it was anything other than that. Besides, he didn't like pulling teeth for information. If Olivia wanted to talk, she knew he had ears.

Amanda didn't bother prying. Like Fin, she didn't suspect it was anything other than a bad morning. Even if she had, she probably still wouldn't have pried. The few times Amanda had pried in the past or tried to make sure her boss was okay, Olivia had snapped at her. She dealt with Olivia's bad attitudes enough, and she wasn't about to willingly put herself in a position to be yelled at. She knew Olivia wasn't a bad person, but, for whatever reason, Olivia couldn't seem to care less about her youngest detective.

Carisi was finally able to start a light conversation, in which everyone participated. There was still obvious tension, especially between Liv and Amanda. The tension was ruining everyone's moods, but they still tried to enjoy their time together.

After they ate and paid the bill, they all felt a little better. The tension was ceasing as they rose from the table to walk back to the precinct.

"I'll meet you guys back at the precinct. I'm just gonna stop by the bank," Amanda informed them.

"Don't be late," Olivia muttered. Amanda nodded in response, slightly annoyed with the unnecessary comment.

"Why don't you go with her?" Carisi asked, not wanting to walk back to the precinct with the bitter lieutenant.

"Excuse me?" Olivia questioned.

"You two just seem a bit tensed is all. Maybe some girl time is needed," Fin explained, also not wanting to be around Olivia's angry mood right now.

"I do have to go by the bank anyway," Olivia sighed. Amanda shot her partner a death glare. She didn't want to be around her lieutenant anymore than she absolutely had to be. Olivia shared the same feeling, but neither woman voiced it.

They walked up the street together in silence. The bank was in walking distance from the pizzeria, so it didn't take them more than a few minutes. Amanda only needed to make a withdrawal, so she went to the ATM right outside the bank. Olivia had to make a deposit, so she headed inside of the bank. Both women were glad to get a break from each other for a few minutes.

Amanda had just withdrawn her money and placed it inside her purse. She was about to walk towards the entrance of the bank when two loud shots rang out. She dropped her purse on the ground, reached for the gun in her holster and her badge, and ran into the bank. Civilians were on the ground, trying to shield themselves, but it didn't look like anybody had been harmed.

"NYPD!" Amanda screamed, pointing her gun at the first suspect she saw. At first, she thought there were only two suspects.

Olivia also had her gun out, and Amanda noticed Olivia was pointing it at a different suspect. Olivia was only focused on the suspect in her from of her, as was Amanda.

"Drop the gun, or I will kill her!" The second suspect screamed at the blonde detective. Olivia tried to keep a straight face, but Amanda could read the fear in her eyes.

It was against their training to ever give their guns up. Amanda knew that. Olivia knew that. Both woman kept a tight grip on their weapons.

"We don't have to do this," Amanda said, hoping her voice didn't sound shaky.

"Drop the gun!" The first suspect demanded.

"How about if we let these people out, and you can just keep me? I'm an NYPD detective. You'd have a lot of leverage with just me," Olivia reasoned, trying to keep her voice calm.

"We could keep both detectives. I'm sure NYPD would do anything for them," the second suspect agreed.

"You don't need us both. You just need me," Olivia said, wanting to get everyone, including Amanda, out of there.

"Shut up!" The first suspect screamed.

They allowed all the civilians to leave. One suspect had a gun on Olivia, and the other had a gun on Amanda. Amanda knew if she shot one suspect, the other would hurt Olivia. They couldn't both beat the suspects' trigger pull at the same time. Finally, she lowered her gun to the ground. Olivia did the same, trusting whatever it was Amanda was doing.

The suspects smirked. The second suspect went through Olivia's purse until he found handcuffs.

"Two NYPD detectives, and two men," the first suspect smirked.

"Blondie over here looks like she'd be fun," the second suspect said. The men licked their lips as they approached the younger detective.

"I'm actually all you need. I'm a lieutenant. You can have more than enough fun with me," Olivia managed to choke out, trying to protect her youngest detective.

"Shut up!" The first suspect boomed. He stroked Amanda's hair and caressed her cheek, laughing when she flinched.

"You sure are a pretty one," he smirked.

"What do you have under those clothes?" The second suspect asked.

"You don't need to do this," Amanda shakily said, knowing where this was going. She wanted to talk them down, but they had already made up their minds. They wanted Amanda, and they knew she couldn't very well fight back.

"Oh, but I do," he whispered, a disgusting smirk still on his face.

The first suspect ripped Amanda's blouse open. She immediately pushed him away. The second suspect held her arms to her side. The first suspect took her blouse completely off. Her body started to tremble, and the suspects could tell that she was afraid. She struggled against the second suspect's grip.

"Now, now, now, don't fight. Not when we have guns, and you and your lieutenant don't," The first suspect reminded her.

The first suspect cuffed Olivia's hands behind her back with her own handcuffs. He kept his gun on Olivia, warning her not to move. The second suspect took off Amanda's jeans, leaving her in only her bra and underwear. Olivia struggled against the cuffs, even though she knew it was useless. She knew what those men were planning to do to Amanda, and she wanted to stop it.

"This doesn't have to happen. We can all walk out of here together," Olivia tried to convince the men. Her voice had a slight tremble, but she tried her best to stay calm.

Amanda was too focused on what was happening to notice, but Olivia could see through a window that a perimeter was being set up. She hoped the suspects would be taken out before they could hurt Amanda. All they needed to do was step in front of a window, and it would be over.

The second suspect began kissing Amanda. They were rough kisses, and Amanda let out a whimper she had been trying to hold back. Olivia heard the whimper, and her heart broke for the younger woman. She wanted to help Amanda, but she couldn't. Olivia looked away. She couldn't watch her own detective being assaulted.

"P-please, d-don't. Please, don't," Amanda begged as the man took off her bra and underwear. He was groping her, and he was getting off on her struggle. He forced himself of Amanda. She let out a cry of pain.

"St-stop. Stop, p-please!" she cried.

"Shut up," he growled, slapping her across the face. He continued with the disgusting act, slapping Amanda around whenever she struggled too much or cried too loud, until he was finished. Amanda cried and pleaded through the whole thing. Olivia began to cry as well, heartbroken for her youngest detective. She hated listening to her cries and pleas.

"Please, just stop it! We don't have to do this!" Olivia cried. The first suspect pistol whipped Olivia, causing her to scream out in pain. Tears spilled from her eyes. She was in physical pain, but that didn't compare to the pain of knowing what was happening to Amanda and the fact that she couldn't stop it.

When the second suspect came out of Amanda, she sat up, pulling her knees to her chest, and cried. He licked his lips, staring at the young blonde with evil eyes. Her body was trembling, and her eyes were shut tight. She was terrified.

"That was fun. You did excellent," the man smirked, satisfied with the terrible event. The first and second suspects traded places. The second suspect held a gun on Olivia, while the first suspect approached Amanda. He grabbed Amanda, and she flinched.

"P-please, d-don't. N-not ag-gain. P-please," Amanda pleaded through tears. Amanda scrambled around, trying to get away. She tried to fight him off, but he was much stronger than she was.

"Now, that wouldn't be fair. He gets a turn, and I don't? Come on," the man growled, pulling Amanda closer to him. His acts were similar to the second suspect's acts. He gave her rough kissed and groped her, laughing at her cries. He slapped her if she cried too loud or struggled too much just like the other suspect did.

He pinned her down. He forced himself inside of her, and she screamed in pain. Just like the first time, she cried and pleaded, but the suspect only got off on it. This man was stronger, which made struggling harder.

"You don't have to do this!" Olivia screamed, tears streaming down her face. She kept her eyes away from the crime taking place only feet away from her. She couldn't stand Amanda's cries. She wanted to run over there and help her, but her cuffed hands prevented her from doing so.

When the first suspect finished, he came out of Amanda. Again, Amanda pulled her knees to her chest and sobbed. The man gave her one last forceful kiss. He allowed her to put her clothes on, and it caused her a great deal of pain as she did. After her clothes were back on, she remained in the corner, rocking herself back and forth as tears streamed down her face.

Whenever either suspect came near her, she cried out and tried to scramble further into the corner. She was traumatized. She wanted to escape. She wanted to die. She wanted to be almost anywhere but that bank.

Olivia's heart shattered for the young blonde rocking herself in the corner. She wanted to comfort her. She wanted to assure her that everything would be okay. She had never seen Amanda so scared.

"Just let me go make sure she's all right," Olivia pleaded with the suspects.

"Shut up!" The second suspect demanded.

"I'm not gonna do anything stupid. I just want to make sure she's okay. We should really let her go," Olivia tried again. The first suspect slapped her across the face. The second suspect grabbed Amanda by her hair. Amanda screamed.

"P-please, n-not ag-gain!" Amanda cried.

"Shut up, or she dies," the second suspect growled at Olivia. Olivia stopped talking, and the suspect let go of Amanda. Amanda scrambled back into the corner and continued to rock herself back and forth. Tears were streaming down her face, and her breaths were shaky.

When the hostage negotiator finally showed up, the suspects spoke with him through the phone. They spoke for an hour, making ridiculous and unreasonable demands. At one point, they even threatened to rape Amanda again. That sent her into a panic attack, but Olivia managed to talk her down. As time went on, the suspects seemed to only grow agitated, and finally, the S.W.A.T team had to barge into the bank and kill the two suspects. Carisi and Fin rushed in, and they helped Olivia out of the handcuffs. Carisi and Fin then ran to Amanda's aid, but Amanda screamed in fear.

"No more! Please, no more!" She begged through sobs.

"Guys, go. I got this. I'll meet you at the hospital," Olivia declared. Giving the young blonde sympathetic looks, the two male detectives went back outside. Paramedics tried to get to Amanda, but they only seemed to scare her more. She was hugging herself tight and sobbed loudly.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. It's over. You did great. It's over now," Olivia tried to soothe her.

"I-I d-didn't w-want... I-I didn't... I d-didn't," Amanda sobbed.

"Sshhh. I know you didn't want it. I know. I'm so sorry. We need to get you to the hospital, Amanda," Olivia explained. Amanda continued to sob as the paramedics put her on the gurney. They tried to get Olivia on one too, but she insisted that she wasn't hurt.

Olivia got in the ambulance to ride with Amanda, who wouldn't let anyone touch her. Olivia had tears spilling from her eyes, wishing she could've prevented this. Amanda was hysterical, and nothing Olivia said seemed to help her.

When they arrived at the hospital, Amanda had another panic attack because she saw a male doctor coming towards her. She was crying loudly and tightly gripping the handles on the gurney. She was begging for him to leave her alone. She was having trouble breathing. The nurse had to sedate Amanda because they couldn't get anything done with her panicking.

It was almost four hours before a nurse finally came to the waiting room, asking for the family of Amanda Rollins.


	2. Chapter 2

"She doesn't seem to have any serious injuries other than the bruises on her thighs. Before we could even talk to her about doing a rape kit, she started to panic again, and we were hoping that maybe her family could calm her down," the nurse explained.

"Her family is, well, it's complicated. But we're here for her. We work with her, and we're friends," Olivia responded.

"All right. I'm not sure how comfortable she'll feel with you two guys around her right now," the nurse began, meaning Carisi and Fin. Both men looked sad. They were heartbroken that someone hurt their friend.

"She got scared any time a man was in sight," the nurse explained. Carisi and Fin nodded, understanding that Amanda would probably feel safer if they didn't go to her just yet.

"Tell her we're here for her," Carisi told Olivia.

"Of course," Olivia agreed. She followed the nurse to Amanda's room.

The sight of Amanda broke Olivia's heart. Her blue eyes were red and puffy, and tears were sliding down her face. Her eyes that usually held only strength and resilience now held a mixture of fear, pain, and despair. Her body was slightly trembling. She was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

The nurse left the two alone, figuring the patient would be more comfortable with only her friend. If she knew more about the two detectives, she would've known they were, in fact, not friends. Now, being in this situation, Olivia regretted not having been a friend to the young blonde.

"Hi, Amanda," Olivia greeted, her voice soft. Amanda looked up.

She didn't seem to notice the tenderness and care in Olivia's voice. She heard the greeting, but not the love behind it. She wasn't happy to see Olivia. She knew Olivia had only come to yell at her. She came to scold her for giving up her gun in the first place. This whole situation could've been avoided had Amanda followed procedure.

Amanda almost wished the suspects had just killed her. She believed it would've been better than enduring what she did in the bank. She felt disgusted with herself. She felt filthy and ashamed. The men were rough, and she was in pain. She couldn't believe she had been raped. She didn't want to believe it.

Amanda tried to stay out of trouble. Yes, she could be disobedient. She liked to defy authority, especially when she felt the orders or rules in place were ridiculous. She often went behind her lieutenant's back, believing she knew what was best for the situation even when that wasn't so. She engaged in arguments where she was wrong, and sometimes, she knew she was wrong. She didn't specifically try to anger people, but she wasn't going to let someone tell her what to do, especially when she believed she was right. She believed the reprimands she received were worth whatever she had done, even when they really weren't. She was not an angel, but she did try to stay out of trouble. She tried to be a good detective with the hope that Olivia wouldn't hate her so much if she was better.

"Amanda?" Olivia asked, her voice a little louder, when the young blonde didn't give a verbal response.

"Look, I'm not in the mood to be yelled at right now. I know I screwed up, and I'm sorry. Just leave me alone right now. I don't need to listen to another one of your lectures on how irresponsible and reckless I am," Amanda spat bitterly. More tears began to stream down her face, and Olivia had to fight back her own.

 _She thinks I came here to yell at her? Where would she get the idea that I was angry with her?_ Olivia wondered to herself. Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's knee, retracting it when the younger woman flinched.

"Why would I yell at you?" Olivia asked, surprised at Amanda's response.

"Because I screwed up. None of that would've happened if I hadn't given up my gun," Amanda whispered through tears.

"Amanda, you did what you believed was best at the moment. I did not come here to reprimand you," Olivia stated seriously. She knew Amanda had gone against procedure, but she did too. Neither of them should've given up their guns, but even if Amanda had been the only one to do so, Olivia would not reprimand her for it.

"Then, why did you come here?" Amanda asked, her voice shaking. Her tone wasn't snarky; she was genuinely curious as to why Olivia was here if not to yell at her.

"Because you're my detective, and I wanted to make sure you're okay," Olivia said as though it were obvious. She was confused. Why else would she be there?

"That's what friends do," Olivia added. Amanda scoffed.

"Yeah, 'cause we're such good friends," Amanda grumbled. That hurt.

Olivia was aware the two hadn't been the best of friends, but that didn't change the fact that she genuinely cared about Amanda right now. She absolutely hated that Amanda was raped by two men. She hated that she could do nothing to change it.

"Well, I know we haven't always been on the best terms, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you or your... situation," Olivia answered slowly.

"I'm not a victim, _Lieutenant_. You don't have to pretend you care now," Amanda spat.

"Amanda, I do care. I'm sorry you're in this position. Please, let me help you," Olivia pleaded. When Amanda didn't answer, Olivia sighed.

"All right. Would you rather I send in Carisi or Fin?" Olivia asked, wanting Amanda to feel comfortable with whoever she was with. A look of panic flashed through Amanda's eyes, and she shook her head.

"P-please, d-don't. N-no men. No men," Amanda stammered, shutting her eyes tight. The idea of being around even her own partner didn't sit well with her. While she understood neither Fin nor Carisi would ever hurt her, the idea of men was not a comforting one at the moment.

"Okay, okay. I won't," Olivia responded.

They remained silent for a few moments. Olivia was staring at Amanda, not knowing what to say. Amanda clearly didn't want her there, but Olivia didn't want to leave the young detective alone. Amanda's breathing became shakier. Her shoulders trembled as more tears streamed down her face. She didn't want to appear weak in front of her superior officer, or anyone for that matter, but she couldn't seem to help herself.

"Why did that have to happen? I didn't want that to happen," Amanda sobbed, not talking to anyone in particular.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia said softly, approaching the detective and pulling her into a hug. Normally, Amanda would've rejected physical contact, but right now, she was too exhausted to fight back.

"I'm so, so sorry this happened to you," Olivia apologized. She genuinely felt terrible for the detective, even if the detective didn't trust Olivia's motives.

After about a minute, Amanda composed herself and pushed the lieutenant away. She didn't want to be touched by anyone. She hated that Olivia was pretending to care for her now that she was a... a victim. Amanda didn't want to see herself as a victim, but she knew Olivia saw her as one right now.

"Hey, Amanda? I know you've had a long day, but the nurse still wants you to do the rape kit," Olivia explained.

"The nurse wants me to, or _you want me to_?" Amanda questioned.

"Well, both. Amanda, it's important," Olivia stated.

"Why? The suspects are both dead," Amanda mumbled.

"Yeah, but the evidence would still be good to have since the men were killed. And we think they may have been the serials we were after," Olivia answered.

"You think?" Amanda asked.

"Two guys. Both had Jersey accents. You're a blonde, and they r-... _attacked_ you," Olivia explained.

"I know they attacked me. I was there. Thanks for the reminder," Amanda grumbled.

"Amanda, I'm sorry. I know this is hard, but you need to get checked out. A rape kit would benefit you," Olivia told her.

"Yeah? Well, I don't think it would. They're dead. Who cares?" Amanda snapped.

"Amanda," Olivia began.

"Shut up, Olivia. I'm not having this conversation. I'm not doing a rape kit," Amanda growled. There was a quick pause before the lieutenant spoke up.

"Okay. That's your choice, and I will support you either way," Olivia answered calmly.

Olivia's response surprised Amanda. She expected her lieutenant to pester her until she gave in. She expected to be reminded of all the victims they've ever convinced to get rape kits done. She expected to be guilted into doing a rape kit. However, Olivia decided to support Amanda's decision. Her tone held no judgement. She seemed genuine.

"Thank you," Amanda breathed. Olivia gave a slight nod.

"Are you ready to go?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, they're just filling out the discharge papers, and then, I can leave," Amanda answered.

The two were silent once again. Olivia needed to bring the idea of Amanda staying with her for a couple of days. She knew Amanda would object immediately, but she felt it would best if she stayed with her. Amanda shouldn't be alone after what took place in that bank. Amanda hated receiving help, but she was going to have to accept it this time.

"Amanda, I want you to stay with me for a couple of days," Olivia finally said.

"Why?" Amanda asked, not understanding a reason for staying with the older woman.

"Because I don't think you should be alone right now," Olivia admitted.

"I don't want to stay with you," Amanda coldly declared.

"I'm sorry, but you don't have many options. It's me or one of the guys, and I know you don't want to stay with either of them right now. It's just for a couple of days," Olivia responded.

"So you can treat me like crap for years, but as soon as something like this happens, you decide you want to be my friend?" Amanda scoffed.

"Amanda, I'm sorry we haven't been friends. I am, but regardless, you can't be by yourself right now. Just let me help you," Olivia pleaded.

"Do I actually have a choice?" Amanda questioned.

"You once said you'd try to get back into my good graces. Maybe you could try by actually listening to me for once," Olivia snapped. She knew that was harsh, but she wanted Amanda to listen to her.

"I've tried so hard, and you've never even noticed. Maybe I don't care about your good graces anymore. You made it pretty clear I won't be finding my way back there," Amanda shot back. Olivia sighed, feeling extremely guilt for making such a remark.

"I'm sorry. That was a low blow," Olivia apologized. Amanda scoffed. Olivia's apologies were meaningless to Amanda.

"Amanda, please, just stay with me for tonight so I can make sure you're okay. If staying with me is really that terrible, you can leave tomorrow morning," Olivia negotiated.

"Fine," Amanda grumbled. The truth is, she didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to be around Olivia either, but she supposed it would be better than being alone.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered. Amanda rolled her eyes.

When the discharge papers were finally filled out and signed, Amanda was allowed to leave. She still needed to give her statement to SVU, but the squad decided to wait until tomorrow. It was about eight pm. The sun had gone down, and the night resembled the darkness Amanda was feeling. What started out as a sunny day had seemingly turned dark in a very short amount of time. Amanda wasn't sure how she'd ever get over this.

Her rapists were dead. She didn't even know their names, and she wasn't sure she wanted to. She had escaped the bank with her life. Her heart was still beating, and her lungs still filled up with and released oxygen. She was alive. She had survived, but she wasn't sure she'd ever live again.

She was experiencing pain between her legs. When the physical pain mixed with the emotional pain, it was one of the worst feelings the young blonde had ever experienced. She knew she was safe, but her body still trembled. The whole ordeal had understandably shook her up. No one expected her to have it all together, except herself. She tried to stop the trembling, and she fought back the wells of tears in her eyes. She tried to make herself go numb so she wouldn't have to feel anything. Her wall of strength was falling, and she was desperately trying to hold it up.

Olivia and Amanda checked out of the hospital. In the waiting room were Carisi and Fin. Amanda wasn't too happy to see them. She didn't want to be around them. At the moment, she wasn't very fond of men. She had an uneasy feeling about them, but she knew it was only because she was shaken up. By tomorrow, she was confident she'd be able to be around Fin and Carisi.

"How are you feeling?" Carisi asked. Amanda didn't answer, and Fin placed a hand on her shoulder. Amanda flinched at the touch, and Fin immediately retracted his hand.

"I'm so sorry," he apologized, mentally scolding himself for not considering the fact that she probably didn't want to be touched right now.

"D-don't be. It's not your fault. I-I know you wouldn't-," Amanda stumbled over her words, and Fin nodded to assure her he understood.

"Let's go, Amanda," Olivia said softly.

"Wow. She actually convinced you to go with her?" Carisi joked. He beamed when a small smile appeared on Amanda's face. Olivia was going to glare at Carisi, but decided against it when she saw his remark caused Amanda to smile.

"She didn't exactly give me a choice," Amanda responded, half joking and half serious.

"Good night, guys," Olivia said, and Amanda repeated it. The male detectives said goodnight to the girls, and they were about to leave when Olivia remembered they came here in an ambulance.

"Fin, can you drive us back to my place?" Olivia asked.

"Of course," Fin agreed.

The car ride was silent. The radio was off. Fin didn't know what to say, so he chose not to say anything at all. Olivia had a lot to say, but she knew Amanda didn't want to hear any of it. Amanda had nothing to say. Her mind replayed the horrific scene at the bank over and over. Tears welled up in her eyes and slid down her face, and she did her best to hide that from Olivia, who was sitting in the back row of the car with her.

Olivia had to hide a few tears of her own as well. She hated that one of her detectives was raped right in front of her by two men. She hated that she couldn't protect her detective. She hated that her detective was angry at her because Olivia had treated her so poorly and was kind to her now. Olivia wished she could go back in time and be friendlier towards the younger woman.

However, she couldn't go back in time. She couldn't take back the snide remarks she made or the times she screamed at Amanda. She couldn't take back the way she shot down Amanda's ideas or the way she scolded her over everything. All she could do now was be better. She could apologize. She could be friendlier. She could be there for her. However, she could only do these things if Amanda allowed her to, and Amanda wasn't exactly rooting for Olivia right now.

Olivia felt guilty as she remembered how Amanda told her she'd practically given up on getting back into her good graces. Olivia threw that in her face only to have it fired back at her. In hindsight, she knew Amanda had tried so hard to be a better detective. She really had tried to get back into Olivia's good graces, but Olivia rejected her every single time. And now, Amanda was rejecting her right back.

Olivia decided she would do whatever she could to prove to Amanda that she truly was sorry. She wanted Amanda to know she did care about her and wanted to be friends. Yes, this tragedy had played a role in the fact that it helped Olivia see how terrible she'd been, but she wasn't trying to be kind to Amanda specifically because she was raped. She was trying to be kind to Amanda because she didn't want to treat Amanda like she was inferior. Yes, Olivia was superior to her in ranking, but not as a human, and it was time Olivia started acknowledging that.

When they arrived at Olivia's apartment, Lucy was waiting for them with Noah. Usually, Olivia would talk to Lucy for a bit when she got home, but tonight, Amanda was her priority. After Lucy left, Olivia put her son to bed. When she returned to the living room, she found Amanda sitting quietly on the couch, staring into space.

"Amanda, would you like to take a shower?" Olivia asked, snapping Amanda out of her daze.

"Yes. I'm filthy," Amanda whispered, shattering Olivia's heart.

"Okay, then. Let me go get you a change of clothes," Olivia responded, deciding not to address Amanda's comment about being filthy. She knew Amanda wouldn't want to talk about it.

Amanda followed Olivia to her bedroom. Olivia grabbed a pair of sweats and handed them to Amanda. Amanda couldn't wait to shower. She wanted to get them off of her.

"Do you need anything else?" Olivia asked.

"No," Amanda mumbled. Olivia nodded before exiting the bathroom.

Amanda shut the door and locked it. She took off her clothes, and the bruises on her thighs brought her to tears. She turned the water on. She stepped into the shower, hissing at the water that burned her skin. She didn't dare change the temperature. She wanted to feel the burn. It helped her forget about the pain between her legs.

Amanda liked showers. She could cry as hard as she wanted to, and she wouldn't have to feel the tears because they mixed with the water. Her sobs weren't heard over the water and fan, which meant no one even knew she was crying.

However, her sobs were louder than usual today. She didn't realize how loud she was, but Olivia could hear all the way from the living room. Tears spilled from her own eyes, but when the water turned off, she wiped away her tears. She didn't want Amanda to see her cry, similarly to how Amanda didn't want Olivia to see her cry.

It didn't take a genius to know both woman were crying. Amanda entered the living room and could the puffiness under Olivia's eyes. The puffiness under Olivia's eyes resembled under Amanda's eyes. They both knew the other woman had been crying.

"Do you want to talk, Amanda?" Olivia asked.

"Not to you," the young blonde grumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

Amanda rejected every act of kindness Olivia offered. She wouldn't eat, drink, talk, or watch tv. She wouldn't even look at Olivia. She was angry at her boss for treating her so terribly but being kind now that was she was considered a victim. Amanda believed the lieutenant was acting only out of guilt, not out of genuine care. Olivia rejected Amanda's ideas and underestimate the young blonde from the moment they started working together. Amanda had tried to prove herself good enough, but nothing she did seemed to be good enough for Olivia.

Amanda felt ashamed. She was supposed to be a cop. She should've been able to shut down the operation that took place in the bank. She shouldn't have been pinned down and raped twice. She should've been able to fight back.

The horrid memories of today replayed over and over in Amanda's mind. Her thoughts were tormenting her. She couldn't get the images out of her head. She tried to think about other things, but she had no success. If her thoughts did drift away from the crimes committed against her, it was only because she began thinking about how angry and disappointed Olivia must be.

She knew Olivia was being soft now, but it was only a matter of time before Amanda was forced back into Olivia's office and scolded for the events of today. The young detective had screwed up plenty of times in the past, but this was surely the last straw. She knew Olivia would fire her this time. If she was feeling nice, she might transfer Amanda. Amanda almost scoffed at her own thought. Olivia was never nice. She was going to fire Amanda.

Amanda was so lost in her own thoughts she didn't realize she was crying. Her body was trembling, and she felt like throwing up. The memories wouldn't stop, and the fear of Olivia yelling at and firing her was growing. Her sobs were loud and heartbreaking.

Olivia approached her youngest detective. She sat down on the couch and looked into the young blonde's blue eyes. However, those pained blue eyes couldn't quite register the soft brown eyes.

"Oh, Amanda," Olivia whispered. She pulled the younger woman into a hug. The physical contact snapped Amanda halfway out of her thoughts. She flinched away and let out a small scream.

"P-please, d-don't. P-please, d-don't," Amanda begged.

"Amanda, honey, look at me. It's me, Olivia. I'm not gonna hurt you. You're safe. You're okay," Olivia soothed. Amanda finally registered the brown eyes, and more tears began spilling from her eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, trying to stop her tears. She stood up, and Olivia grabbed her hand, gently pulling her back to the couch.

"Don't apologize. I understand," Olivia said. Amanda sniffled.

For a moment, the only sounds made were sniffles and shuddering breaths. A strangled sob escaped from Amanda's mouth. Before Olivia could comfort her, Amanda jumped to her feet and ran to the bathroom. Olivia ran after her.

Amanda slammed the door shut, but didn't lock it. Olivia opened the door to find Amanda kneeled over the toilet, throwing up. However, her stomach was empty, so the only thing coming out was bile. Amanda was gagging and screaming sobs.

"Amanda," Olivia whispered. She cautiously approached the young blonde.

"It's all right," Olivia said, placing her hand on Amanda's shoulder. Amanda flinched, not realizing Amanda had come in. Olivia stroked Amanda's hair as she threw up and wailed. Her body was trembling.

"You're okay. You're okay," Olivia told her. After a few minutes, Amanda stopped throwing up. She leaned against the wall, trying to compose herself. Olivia continued stroking her hair.

"Go away," Amanda sobbed.

"I can't do that, honey," Olivia responded.

"Go away! I don't want you here!" Amanda yelled through her tears.

"Amanda, it's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed. Believe me, I completely understand. I won't tell anyone," Olivia assured her.

Amanda knew Olivia wouldn't share this incident with anyone; that wasn't the issue. The issue was that she didn't trust Olivia. She didn't want Olivia to see how pathetic she was. She didn't want to give Olivia another reason to scoff at her or berate her. Olivia could tell her she didn't need to be embarrassed, but it wouldn't change the fact that she was.

"Go away! Stop touching me!" Amanda screamed, clawing at Olivia's hand. She didn't like that Olivia was stroking her hair. Olivia retracted her hand.

"Okay. I won't touch you. I'm sorry," Olivia apologized.

"Just leave me alone!" Amanda cried.

"I'm not leaving you, Amanda. I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that, now would I?" Olivia smiled sadly.

"We're not friends!" Amanda screamed.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered.

"You're not sorry! You just feel guilty because you've treated me like crap and then you witnessed me get raped!" Amanda screamed. Amanda cried harder upon her own use of the word raped. If she had been thinking before speaking, she would've used the word attacked or hurt, not raped.

"Amanda, I do feel guilty that I treated you poorly, but that's not why-," Olivia began but was cut off by Olivia.

"Yes, it is! Admit it! You wouldn't be talking to me right now if it weren't for the events of today! Just leave me alone!" Amanda cried again.

"Amanda, I-," Olivia started again, placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. Amanda reacted violently this time.

"I said not to touch me!" Amanda screamed through tears, slapping Olivia across the face.

Usually, if anyone laid a violent hand on Olivia, she didn't hesitate to beat on them. This was different though. She provoked Amanda. She knew Amanda had made it clear she didn't want to be touched. Amanda had just been raped, and Olivia should've known better than to touch her when she was given permission. Amanda acted out of pain, sadness, anger, and fear more than anything else. Olivia wasn't angry. She was shocked, but not angry.

Amanda was shocked as well. She knew better than to lay a hand on anyone like that, especially her boss. She immediately covered her face to protect herself from a blow. She had seen Olivia hit someone, and she knew it couldn't feel good.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whispered, almost inaudible.

"Amanda," Olivia whispered back.

"Don't hit me. Please. My face is still hurts from earlier," Amanda whimpered. She purposely brought up the fact that her face was still in pain from the slaps she endured in the bank. She wasn't one to want pity, but if it prevented Olivia from slapping her, she would take it. Amanda didn't have to tell Olivia her face hurt though. The bruises told Olivia that.

"I'm sorry," Amanda whimpered before letting out another sob.

"Amanda, I'm not mad," Olivia calmly responded. Amanda quickly got to her feet and ran out of the bathroom. Olivia got up to follow, but the front door slammed shut before Olivia could catch sight of her. Sighing, Olivia grabbed her keys and cellphone. She exited the apartment and went to find Amanda.

Amanda knew at some point she'd have to face Olivia again, and she was dreading it. She decided to hold off as long as she could. Any last bit of hope she had for keeping her job has gone down the drain. There was no way Olivia would keep her on the squad or even consider so much as transferring her. She knew at the very least Olivia would scream at her. Amanda would be shocked if Olivia didn't punch her in the face. After being held hostage and raped twice in a bank, a punch to the face would be the highlight of Amanda's day.

Amanda replayed the scene of her hitting Olivia. It was instinctive. She was angry, scared, and sad. She told Olivia to leave her alone. She told her not to touch her. Olivia wouldn't leave though, and she touched her again. Amanda reacted. She knew slapping her was out of line. She saw the hurt in Olivia's eyes. It wasn't the type of stinging pain that was caused by a slap to the face that Amanda saw. It was the type of shocked hurt that was caused by the fact that someone would do such a thing. Amanda felt guilty, but that was the least of her emotions.

Amanda downed her second glass of whiskey. She lit another cigarette, almost hoping that long term effects of smoking would become short term and kill her already. A minute later, she lost three hundred dollars to some card game. She was at her usual casino. Well, maybe usual wasn't the correct word. Amanda hadn't gambled in almost seven months. It was a horrible thing Amanda thought she was done with, but she relapsed after today, one of the worst days of her life. She tried to forget the pain between her legs, but three glasses of whiskey, two cigarettes, and one hundred dollars later, Amanda knew that pain wouldn't be subsiding so soon.

The traumatizing events of the day replayed in Olivia's mind over and over up to the point of Amanda running out of the apartment. Olivia felt terrible that Amanda had been victimized in that bank. She hated that she couldn't go back in time and stop those horrid things from happening to Amanda. Olivia really wasn't angry that Amanda slapped her. She was hurt by it, but she wasn't angry. She understood the pain Amanda was in. She understood how overwhelming and frightening that position could be. She understood why Amanda had screamed at her. She understood why Amanda slapped her. Amanda wasn't facing any command discipline for her actions. Olivia would never hold such a thing against Amanda. She wanted to help Amanda.

Amanda was right. Olivia was being friendlier towards Amanda than she had been in the past because of today's events. However, the fact that Amanda was raped wasn't why Olivia was being kinder. She was being kinder because the events of today helped Olivia see how unfair and mean she had been towards her youngest detective. Olivia wanted to make things right between her and Amanda. She wanted Amanda to trust her. She wanted to have a friendship with Amanda. In all the years they'd been working together, Olivia really didn't know much about her young detective. She treated the young blonde as though she were inexperienced and stupid. She regretted the way she'd treated her. She really did, and she hoped she could make things right.

Olivia went to a local casino, guessing Amanda would be there. She wasn't surprised to see the young blonde at one of the tables, most likely losing a bunch of money and possibly tipsy. She could see the pain in her youngest detective's eyes, and her heart sank, knowing she may have helped cause that pain. No, she didn't rape Amanda, and Amanda wasn't the one who had just been slapped across the face. However, her constant degrading of Amanda may have helped cause her the pain she was currently in. If Olivia had been kinder from the start, maybe Amanda wouldn't have screamed at Olivia and slapped her across the face. Maybe she would've opened up to Olivia instead of trying to hold it in. Maybe she would've accepted Olivia's attempts to comfort her.

Olivia approached the table, and Amanda looked up at her for only a second before looking away and continuing her losing streak. It was only a second that the brown eyes met the blue ones, but in that second, Olivia could see the brokenness, shame, and fear in Amanda's eyes. Olivia wanted to help Amanda, and she hoped Amanda would accept her kindness. She sighed.

"Amanda, let's go," Olivia said calmly. Figuring Olivia was probably angry enough and feeling too exhausted to argue, Amanda complied.

The two made their way to the exit of the casino. Amanda was walking slightly behind her lieutenant. She knew she was going to be screamed at and possibly hit, and she was dreading it. They walked out of the casino, and Olivia turned to face her young detective. Amanda let out a whimper.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, bringing her hands to her face.

"I know. I'm not angry. Come on. It's cold," Olivia softly responded, wrapping an arm around the young blonde. Amanda tensed up at the physical contact, but she decided it best not to pull away from her lieutenant, whose patience was probably about to run out.

Olivia helped Amanda into the car and even buckled her seat belt. She then got in on the driver's side and started the car. She noticed Amanda shivering, and she turned on the heater. The drive was silent with the exception of occasional sniffles. Amanda couldn't relax partially because she was too busy worrying when Olivia was going to yell at her. Even if Olivia wasn't angry, Amanda's body and mind was still on high alert after the events that took place earlier that day at the bank.

"Olivia?" Amanda whimpered.

"Yes, Amanda?" Olivia asked, her voice calm and soothing.

"Please, just yell at me and get it over with. I-I deserve it after everything today," Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, you have a bad habit of believing I'm going to yell at you over every single thing," Olivia joked, hoping to lighten the mood. Amanda didn't respond.

"And I'm sorry for causing that habit. I'm not gonna yell at you. I understand why you reacted the way you did. It wasn't right, but I'm not mad," Olivia calmly added.

"Just yell at me. I deserve it. If you don't do it today, you'll do it if I return to work. Please. I don't want to be humiliated by being called into your office and yelled at. The squad looks at me with sympathetic looks because they know you've yelled at me, and I'm sick of it. Please. Just yell at me now so it can be done with," Amanda cried. Olivia took note of the fact that Amanda stated _if_ she returned to work, not _when_. That confused Olivia, but she decided not to address that at this moment.

Olivia had no idea Amanda felt so humiliated when she was called into her office. She didn't know the squad was aware of when Amanda was being reprimanded. She felt horrible that she put Amanda through so much and didn't even notice it.

"Amanda, I'm not gonna yell at you over this. I'm not angry. It's okay," Olivia promised.

"I-I messed up. I w-was r-raped, and th-then I y-yelled a-at you and hit you," Amanda whimpered.

"You should've have yelled or hit me, but I told you I'm not angry. As for the r-rape, that wasn't your mess up. Those disgusting men hurt you, and that's not on you," Olivia told her.

"I-I shouldn't h-have g-given up m-my g-gun," Amanda cried.

"I gave up my gun too. Look, we both did things outside of our training, but that brutal attack was not your fault. You did what you felt was best," Olivia tried to comfort her detective. Amanda simply nodded, unsure if she believed her lieutenant.

The rest of the drive was silent. They reached Olivia's apartment and went to the living room. Amanda sat on the couch, tears still spilling from her eyes.

"O-Olivia?" Amanda asked.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"P-please, d-don't fire me," Amanda begged. Olivia was shocked at Amanda's words.

"Amanda, I'm not going to fire you," Olivia managed to get out.

"Liv, I slapped you and screamed at you. How are you not angry?" Amanda whimpered.

"Because. I understand," Olivia answered. The blue eyes met the brown eyes.

"Amanda, look, you're gonna have to take some time off. We both know that, but when you're cleared, I definitely want you back on my squad. You're a great detective, and we wouldn't want to lose you," Olivia told her.

"Thank you, Liv," Amanda whispered.

"Look, it's been a long day. You and I need some sleep. I want you to take my bed," Olivia declared.

"No, I can't take your bed," Amanda declined.

"You can, and you will. Amanda, please. After today, just take my bed. It's the least I can do," Olivia argued. Amanda sighed.

"Okay. Thanks," she mumbled. Olivia lead the way to her bedroom and helped Amanda into the bed.

"Come and get me if you need anything. I'll be in the living room," Olivia told her. Amanda nodded.

"Good night," Olivia whispered, turning the lights off and closing the door.

Amanda didn't fall asleep right away. She couldn't. Her tormenting thoughts were keeping her up. She was traumatized by the horrible events that took place. The pain between her legs was excruciating. Her face was aching from all the slaps she'd received in that bank. She tried to keep her mind off of the pain, but the only alternative was the memories of today.

Amanda didn't want to be alone right now. She didn't know what else to do though. Her family wouldn't want to hear from her. She didn't want to talk to Carisi or Fin. She didn't want to bother Olivia after all she'd put her through already. Instead, she cried. Exhaustion finally took over around one in the morning, and Amanda fell asleep.

Olivia didn't fall asleep right away either. The brokenness in Amanda's eyes was painful. Her screams and cries in the bank were traumatizing. Guilt and sadness were eating at Olivia. She regretted treating her youngest detective so poorly. She wished she could've helped Amanda today in the bank. Tears welled up in Olivia's eyes, and like Amanda, the brunette cried herself to sleep.

"NO! Please! Please, don't! Please!" Amanda sobbed. A piercing scream woke Olivia up seconds later. She took a second to adjust to her surroundings. When she realized where she was, another scream was heard. Olivia jumped up and ran to the bedroom. She found Amanda tossing and turning. She was wailing, begging someone to stop harming her. Olivia cautiously approached the young blonde.

"Hey, Amanda. Wake up, sweetie. You're having a nightmare. It's not real. You're safe. No one is hurting you. Please, wake up," Olivia pleaded. Amanda whimpered. Olivia touched her shoulder, and Amanda hit her face.

"Please! Go away!" Amanda cried.

"Amanda! Wake up!" Olivia raised her voice. She held Amanda's arms down to avoid getting hit again.

"No, no, no! Stop! Please, stop! Please, don't! O-Olivia, help me! Please!" Amanda wailed.

"Amanda, please, wake up, honey!" Olivia pleaded. Amanda's eyes shot open, and she sat up. She pulled her legs to her chest and continued to cry.

"Don't hurt me! Please, don't!" Amanda begged.

"Amanda, it's me, Olivia. Look at me, honey," Olivia urged.

"Olivia, please help!" Amanda whimpered.

"Amanda, I'm right here. You had a nightmare. We're in my apartment. Look at me," Olivia responded. Amanda finally looked up at her lieutenant.

"Why didn't you help me?" Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, I couldn't. I am so, so sorry. I was cuffed, and they would've killed one or both of us if I tried," Olivia explained.

"I know," Amanda whispered, becoming aware of her surroundings.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head. Olivia looked at the clock. It was just after two in the morning.

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Olivia wondered. Amanda shrugged. Olivia sat on the bed and pulled Amanda into a hug.

"Sshhh. You're safe now. You're safe. You're okay. You're okay," Olivia soothed. She spoke in a soft, quiet voice until the young blonde fell back asleep. Then, Olivia carefully got up and decided to check on her son.

She watched her son sleep. She loved him. She felt as though words couldn't quite describe how much she loved her son. As she smiled at him, she suddenly realized that she left him home alone when Amanda ran out of the apartment. More guilt hit her as she stroked her son's face.

"I'm so sorry, Noah. It's been a long day. I love you so much," Olivia whispered to her sleeping son. Then, she headed to the living room and laid back on the couch. It was another forty minutes before she fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a quarter after seven a.m when Olivia gave up on getting anymore sleep. After Amanda's nightmare woke her up around two in the morning, another nightmare woke her up around three. About a half hour after that, Amanda's crying woke Olivia. Amanda wasn't crying from a nightmare that time though; she was crying from the reality that were the events of the previous day. Olivia spent a half hour comforting Amanda before heading back to the living room. They both slept for about two more hours before another nightmare woke up Amanda, and her screams woke up Olivia. Olivia spent about forty minutes trying to soothe Amanda before making one last attempt to get any amount of rest. As she laid on the couch at seven fifteen a.m though, Olivia knew she wouldn't be getting anymore sleep.

Instead, she got off of the couch and went to the kitchen. She made a pot of coffee. She knew Amanda would want some coffee whenever she woke up, and Olivia wondered if one pot would be enough for the both of them after the night they had.

The memories of both the previous afternoon and the previous night flooded back to Olivia. The horrible images and sounds of what happened in that bank tormented Olivia to the point of tears. They kept replaying in her head. She considered going to the refrigerator and grabbed a bottle of wine to forget what happened, but then, she remembered the whiskey Amanda had been drinking at that casino. It wasn't right for Amanda to drink away her problems, and it wasn't right for Olivia to drink away her problems either.

The slap Amanda gave her replayed in her mind. It was a sharp slap. Olivia figured it was more out fear and frustration that anything else. Amanda's mind and body were on high alert after the attack, and she was frustrated that Olivia wasn't listening to her demands to leave her alone and not touch her. Olivia was hurt that Amanda would do such a thing, but she wasn't angry. She decided she wasn't going to hold that over Amanda's head. She understood where the young detective was coming from.

Olivia was drinking her third cup of coffee when her eyelids began to feel less heavy. It was a good thing she was starting to wake up before her three year old son was walking into the kitchen. That's when Olivia knew that three cups of coffee was not going to be enough, and she refilled her half full cup.

"Good morning, Noah," Olivia smiled at her son.

"Hi, Mommy," Noah smiled back, giving his mother a hug. Noah loved hugs and kisses, which Olivia gave freely. Sometimes, she wondered if Noah would love hugs and kisses as he grew older. She figured he would love the kisses if they came from pretty girls in his school.

She couldn't believe how fast time was going by. Her son was already three. Soon, he would be in kindergarten. Then, he would be in high school. He was practically only a few years away from moving out. Olivia quickly shook those thoughts away, remembering that Noah had barely turned three, wouldn't start kindergarten for two more years, wouldn't start high school for eleven more years, and wouldn't move for at least fifteen more years. She still had a lot of time, and she intended to not waste a second of that precious time. Fifteen years was a long time, but it would fly.

"What would you like for breakfast?" Olivia asked.

"Waffle!" Noah cheered.

"Waffle what?" Olivia asked.

"Waffle, please!" Noah corrected. Olivia smiled at her son.

"All righty then," Olivia said, heading to the freezer. She pulled out a box of Eggos waffles and slipped one into the toaster. Then, she poured her son a cup of orange juice.

As the toaster prepared Noah's waffle, Olivia wondered if she should wake Amanda. She wanted Amanda to get some rest, but she didn't want Amanda to wake up from another nightmare. The longer she slept, the closer she got to another nightmare, but the longer she slept, the longer Olivia didn't have to deal with Amanda's attitude.

Olivia mentally berated herself for that last thought. She knew Amanda was going through so much. Some attitude could be expected. A slap to the face was not expected, but Olivia already decided to let that slide. Still, she decided it would be selfish to leave Amanda to be woken up by a nightmare simply so Olivia wouldn't have to deal with her yet.

The toaster beeped and raised the waffle. Olivia placed the waffle on a paper plate and cut it up so it would be easier to eat. She poured a little bit of syrup on the cut up waffle before setting the plate in front of her son with a fork.

"Thank you, Mommy," Noah smiled.

"You're welcome, sweet boy. Mommy will be right back," Olivia told her son. She headed to her bedroom to wake Amanda.

Olivia entered the bedroom to find Amanda still asleep. There was a peaceful look on the sleeping blonde's face, but Olivia knew that peace wouldn't last. Once she woke up, Amanda would be forced to deal with the events of the previous day. Olivia wanted to let Amanda sleep, this time not for her own selfish reasons, but so that Amanda could have a little more peace. However, she knew if she didn't wake Amanda, a nightmare would, and Olivia didn't want her to go through that again. Olivia slowly approached the younger woman.

"Amanda. Amanda, wake up," Olivia whispered. She gently placed a hand on Amanda's shoulder and said her name again, this time a little louder.

Amanda flinched awake, her eyes shooting open. On instinct, she moved away from the older woman's touch and pulled the covers up under her chin. Her breathing was unsteady.

"It's okay," Olivia said, her voice soft. She was surprised with Amanda's startled state. The young blonde calmed down as she became more aware of her surroundings.

"Why did you wake me up?" Amanda snapped. She finally fell back asleep, and she was angry that Olivia put an end to her rest.

"I didn't want a nightmare to wake you again," Olivia stated calmly. Amanda felt a pang of guilt, but that didn't stop her from glaring at the brunette.

"Would you like something to eat?" Olivia asked.

"I would like a shower," Amanda spat.

"You showered last night," Olivia reminded her.

"I'm filthy. I need another shower," Amanda argued.

"You're not filthy, honey. You don't need another shower right now," Olivia responded.

"Right. I forgot that you know what I need and don't need," Amanda retorted. Olivia sighed, trying to stay calm.

"Are you hungry?" Olivia asked. Olivia knew the answer to that. After yesterday, Olivia wasn't hungry either, and she didn't expect Amanda to be.

"No," the young blonde grumbled.

"All right. I think you and I should talk about last night," Olivia suggested.

"I don't really care what you think," Amanda shot back.

"Amanda, _enough_ ," Olivia commanded, her voice stern. Amanda broke eye contact with her lieutenant. Olivia wasn't angry, but she wasn't going to talk in circles with Amanda. Traumatic things took place yesterday, and they needed to be addressed.

"We need to talk about yesterday," Olivia stated, her voice softer.

"There's nothing to talk about," Amanda responded.

"There's a lot to talk about, Amanda. You got hurt. We can't just ignore that," Olivia said seriously.

"Why not? You've been ignoring it for a long time," Amanda scoffed.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, confusion laced in her voice.

"Seriously, Liv? You think this is the first time I've been hurt? It's not. It's just the first time you've cared enough to notice," Amanda spat, her tone cold.

"I'm sorry that I didn't notice your pain in the past, Amanda, but that doesn't change the fact that what happened yesterday needs to be addressed," Olivia softly responded. She had no idea what Amanda meant when she said she'd been hurt before, but she didn't think now was the time to ask. A pang of guilt hit her, knowing she had somehow missed or overlooked the fact that her youngest detective was hurt.

"For my sake or yours?" Amanda snapped. She was frustrated with this entire conversation. Olivia expected her to tell her all about her feelings when it was only a couple of weeks ago that the lieutenant called Amanda into her office and screamed at her until she was in tears. Why should Amanda trust her now?

"Maybe for both of ours. We both had a rough day yesterday, and I know you endured far worse than I did, but we were both still effected by it," Olivia answered. She was patient with the young blonde, knowing how painful such a situation could be.

Amanda scoffed again. Maybe Olivia was being kind now, but in a few weeks, she'd be back to her usual cranky self, taking out her anger on her youngest detective. Amanda could admit that she was in the wrong for the way she treated her boss the previous night, but she felt as though that was nothing compared to what Olivia had put her through at work. Sure, Olivia had never used her power to physically abuse the young detective, but she did use it to verbally attack and berate her. Amanda felt as though her actions last night were justifiable. She shouldn't have to go from listening to her boss scream at her to pry her for details about her feelings. She told Olivia to go away and not touch her, and Olivia undermined Amanda's wishes. Amanda reacted, maybe not the way she should have, but at this point, she didn't really care.

"You're ridiculous," Amanda muttered, getting up from the bed.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked.

"Home," Amanda answered shortly.

"Amanda, you really should stay here for a little while longer," Olivia tried to convince her.

"No. You asked me to stay for one night, and I agreed. I'm going home now. I'll see you at work tomorrow," Amanda said, not wanting to be in the presence of her lieutenant any longer.

"What?! Tomorrow?!" Olivia sputtered. Amanda shrugged.

"Amanda, you were attacked yesterday. You know you're on leave until you're cleared by the department's psychologist," Olivia reminded her.

"Ugh! I'm fine!" Amanda argued.

"Yes, I could tell by your actions last night," Olivia retorted. Amanda felt her own heart harden, and Olivia saw the stone cold look appear in those blue eyes.

"See? You do this all the time," Amanda muttered. She pushed pass Olivia and headed for the front door.

"Do _what_ , Amanda?" Olivia questioned. Amanda ignored her, and Olivia followed after her.

"Do _what_ , Amanda?" Olivia repeated, grabbing the blonde's wrist as she reached the front door. Amanda flinched, and Olivia retracted her hand, another pang of guilt hitting her. The younger woman spun around to face her lieutenant.

"This! You feel the need to tear me down over everything! I'm sorry for how I acted last night! It was stupid and immature, and I don't blame you for being angry!" Amanda yelled. Olivia was unsure if the young detective was angry at herself or the brunette.

"I'm not angry, Amanda. I understand what you're going through. That's why I think it would be better if you stayed with someone for a couple of days," Olivia softly explained.

"You have no idea what I'm going through," Amanda retorted, her voice low and full of venom. She turned and exited the apartment, slamming the door on her way out.

Olivia sighed. She ran her hand through her hair in distress. She turned to go back to the kitchen, and she was surprised to see her three year old only a few feet away. He'd witnessed the whole thing.

"Where Mandy go? Why she mad?" Noah asked innocently.

"Uh, Amanda went home. Let's, you and me, go eat breakfast, okay?" Olivia suggested, grabbing her son's hand and bringing him back to the kitchen. Noah resumed eating his waffle, apparently forgetting the whole ordeal he'd just seen.

Olivia pondered what Amanda said. Olivia wondered when Amanda was hurting, and how she missed that. As she thought about the last few months, she wondered if Amanda was really good at hiding pain or if Olivia had carelessly overlooked any signs that would indicate something was wrong with Amanda.

Olivia remembered multiple times Amanda entered the squad room late. Amanda was usually anywhere from five minutes late to ninety minutes late. Olivia usually reprimanded the young detective in the middle of the squad room, and she now realized how embarrassing that must've been for Amanda. On the days Olivia was already in a bad mood, she would call Amanda into her office and yell at her for being late. Amanda was usually respectful in these situations and took the scolding. Sometimes, she tried to give an excuse, but Olivia never gave them much consideration. Now that Olivia thought about it, she realized that when Amanda was late, she often entered the squad room wearing sunglasses. When those sun glasses were removed, her blue eyes often looked tired and even had dark circles at times. Had Amanda been hurting some months ago when she came in late five days in a row? What if, instead of reprimanding Amanda every time she was late, Olivia asked why she was late and took her excuses into consideration? If Olivia had bothered to ask if Amanda was okay, would Amanda have answered truthfully? Was Amanda just waiting for someone to notice her pain to open up?

Olivia thought back to a few months ago when Amanda came in late five days consecutively. After two days of reprimanding her in the squad room, the lieutenant called the detective into her office where Amanda received a harsh scolding. On the fifth day, Olivia was so fed up, she brought the young blonde into her office and screamed at her. Olivia often gave Amanda harsh reprimands, but an actual screaming session was rarer. By the end of Olivia's screaming, Amanda was in tears, and Olivia excused her without so much as softening her expression.

Olivia wondered why Amanda had been late so many days in a row. She might be late two days consecutively at most, and Olivia should've known something was wrong. If Carisi or Fin were late, Olivia would've questioned it and made sure they were okay. She never gave Amanda that courtesy. Olivia tried to remember what case the squad had been working at that time. It had been Reese Taymor's case. Then, it hit her.

Something went on between Amanda and Deputy Chief Patton back in Atlanta. ADA Rafael Barba wanted to call Amanda to the stand as a witness, but the judge did not allow it. Neither Barba nor Amanda ever talked about what happened when they practiced in the courtroom, and nobody asked. Olivia had been present during the meeting in which Amanda confirmed that she knew Patton was good for this. Olivia figured Amanda had maybe heard some rumors or maybe he made a few crude jokes. Olivia realized that she never actually knew the real story about what happened. Maybe that week was the week Amanda was talking about.

Suddenly, Olivia remembered one of the very first cases she and Amanda ever worked on together. A woman in a mental hospital had been assaulted, and Amanda vaguely mentioned to Olivia that something happened to her on the job and that's why she transferred. Olivia asked if it was someone she worked with, but Amanda brushed it off as something not worth pursuing, and Olivia didn't push it.

What if whatever happened to Amanda was worth pursuing? Olivia didn't know for sure what went on between Amanda and Patton. However, she was almost certain that Amanda's story was very similar to Reese Taymor's.

If Olivia's speculations were true, that means Amanda was a rape victim before yesterday at the bank. As Olivia thought about it, she recalled plenty of incidents that should've signaled to Olivia that Amanda was a victim. When Amanda first transferred, she was a bit uneasy around her male colleagues and male captain. She flinched at their sudden movements or if they touched her, but she always hid it well. She had even clocked out with Olivia and walked with her to her car. Looking back, Olivia wondered if Amanda did that on purpose so she wouldn't have to walk through the parking lot alone.

Olivia was tormented by guilt and anger. She overlooked the fact that Amanda was hurting. She constantly berated Amanda. She only had herself to blame for Amanda lack of trust for her. Olivia decided right then that she would do everything she could to make up for her past mistakes.

When Amanda got back to her apartment, she went straight to the bathroom. She turned on the water and took off her clothes. The bruises between her legs caused her to feel nauseous. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she let them spill. She was alone, so crying was allowed. She stepped into the shower, hissing at the burning water. She made no effort to change the setting of the water. Instead, she dumped a ton of shampoo in her hair and scrubbed her scalp so hard her nails bit into the skin. It hurt, but she wanted to feel clean. After washing her hair, she grabbed her bar of soap. She began scrubbing her body even harder than when she scrubbed her scalp. Her skin turned red from scrubbing so hard, but she figured the redness was also caused by the boiling water coming down on her. Even though there was excruciating pain between her legs, she scrubbed as hard as she could in that area. She let out cries of pain, but she wanted the area to be clean. A part of her hoped she could scrub off the bruises.

She stayed in the shower, scrubbing herself raw, until she worried the hot water would cause her to faint. When she got out of the shower, she quickly wrapped a soft, fluffy towel around her body, tight, as though she worried someone might be near. It was a silly thought, really, since nobody lived in the apartment except herself and Frannie, her dog.

As she looked in the mirror, the events of the previous day began to sink. She had been in a bank, held at gun point. Her clothes had been removed against her will. She had been pinned down and raped twice. She had been raped. She had been raped again. Again. She spends all day trying to convince victims it wasn't their fault, and yet, here she was, believing both the events of yesterday and the horrid night that took place years ago were her fault.

As reality set in, her body began to violently shake. Tears welled up in her eyes and streamed down her face. Her breaths came in and exited through her mouth, fast and shaky. Loud sobs left her mouth, and she didn't both trying to compose herself. She crumpled to the ground, the towel now wrapped loosely around her, and wailed.

She wasn't sure how long her breakdown lasted. When it ended though, it ended quickly. In a split second, she had gone from high emotions of despair and anger to absolute numbness. She didn't feel anything emotionally. Even the pain between her legs seemed duller. Her tears and cries came to an abrupt stop. She stood up, dried off, and put on some sweats. If she had bothered to look at the time, she would've known it was almost noon. However, time didn't matter to her at the moment. Nothing did.

She went to the couch and sat down. She didn't turn on the television. She didn't pay attention to Frannie, who had climbed onto the couch and laid next to her. She just stared at the wall with a blank look on her face. Her thoughts were replaying the previous day, but if anyone would've looked into her eyes, they would've thought her mind was empty.

Amanda heard her phone ring once and buzz multiple times. Even though she heard the sound, her mind didn't register it. She was so lost in her own torturous thoughts that the real world seemed distant.

Olivia had rang her once and texted her five times. She was worried that something bad happened to Amanda, but she also figured Amanda was probably just angry at her. It didn't occur to Olivia that the young blonde was just so broken she didn't even realize anyone was trying to contact her. Either way, it wouldn't have made a difference. Even if Amanda had been coherent, she more than likely would've ignored Olivia's attempts to contact her.

Olivia decided not to wait any longer to find out if Amanda was just too angry to reply or if something bad happened to her. She understood what horrible thoughts could come to mind when alone at a time like this. Olivia sent her youngest detective one more text message.

 **Olivia: Amanda, you're worrying me. Please call me back. I'm on my way to your apartment.**


	5. Chapter 5

* _knock_ _knock knock*_

 _*knock knock knock_ *

"Amanda, please, open up!" Olivia called, knocking again.

Olivia's voice snapped Amanda out of the trance she was in. The older woman knocked again, and Amanda registered that someone was at the door. Frannie was barking, and Amanda hushed her. The young blonde stood up from the couch and walked to the front door. She looked through the peephole to see her boss on the other side. Amanda groaned before opening the door.

"What?" Amanda spat.

"Well, nice to see you too," Olivia joked. Amanda rolled her eyes at what she considered a lame joke.

"I was worried about you. You weren't answering my texts," Olivia said, her tone now serious.

"You didn't text me," Amanda responded, a bit confused and a lot annoyed.

"Yes, I did. Maybe you just didn't hear your phone. Is it off?" Olivia asked. Amanda's phone had been right next to her on the couch. How did she not hear it go off? Perhaps, it was off. No, Amanda's phone was always on.

"Why did you come here?" Amanda questioned, ignoring Olivia's last response.

"I told you. I was worried," Olivia answered, her voice calm and patient.

"Why?" Amanda wondered. Why did Olivia care about her? What did she want from Amanda?

"Well, after everything that's happened yesterday, I think I have a good reason to be worried," Olivia stated, not really understanding Amanda's apparent oblivion to the situation. If only she knew that Amanda's question was more insecure than oblivious.

"What do you want from me?" Amanda asked.

"I want to talk. I want to make sure you're okay," Olivia replied, confused by Amanda's redundant line of questions.

"But why? What are you trying to get out of helping me?" Amanda questioned harshly.

"I'm not sure what you mean," Olivia said slowly, clearly confused.

"What do you _want_?! Are you trying to make sure everyone knows what a great boss you are by checking up on the least of your detectives?! Are you here to scold me about yesterday to remind me that you're the boss, not me?! Are you trying to get praise for caring?! What will you gain by checking up on me?!" Amanda snapped.

Olivia's heart sank. Amanda thought she came to check on her simply for her own gain? Olivia did care about Amanda. She wasn't expecting anything in return for being kind to her detective. She felt guilty that she had treated Amanda so poorly that she expected Olivia just to use her, even in a situation like this. Had the young blonde become accustomed to being used by others for their own selfish gain? Olivia felt awful for contributing to that mindset.

"Amanda, I'm not here for myself. I'm here for you. I am so sorry that I've caused you so much grief that you think I'm here to use you for my own personal gain," Olivia apologized, hoping Amanda could hear the genuineness in her tone.

"Everyone uses me. I'm not surprised," Amanda scoffed.

"I'm not using you, Amanda. I want to help you. What you're going through, you don't have to go through it alone," Olivia said softly.

"Thanks for the speech, Mother Theresa, but I don't need your help," Amanda spat. Olivia sighed.

"Can we at least talk about last night? Do I at least get an explanation for how you reacted last night?" Olivia asked. She wasn't trying to hold anything over Amanda's head; she only wanted to get through to Amanda so she would open up.

"You never gave me an explanation for how you treated me, so no, I don't owe you one," Amanda muttered.

"Amanda, I'm a little confused here. You were upset that I overlooked the fact that you were in pain in the past, and I _am_ sorry for that, but I'm trying to help you now. I'm giving you the chance to talk about your pain, and you may as well be spitting in my face," Olivia explained. She was trying to stay patient, but the young detective was making that difficult.

"I don't care anymore. My pain doesn't matter. I'm fine. I'll see the department psychologist, come back to work, and you and I can pretend nothing ever happened," Amanda responded. Her voice was softer, but she was still angry.

"Aren't you the one who said pretending something didn't happen doesn't make it go away?" Olivia questioned.

"I'm also the one who said if you pretend long enough, it's like nothing _did_ happen," Amanda retorted, venom in her voice.

"But it _did_ happen, Amanda," Olivia softly replied.

"Olivia, stop! I've pretended for years that nothing happened, and I've been okay! So just leave me alone!" Amanda yelled. Her body was now trembling with anger.

"I'm sorry, Amanda. It's my fault. I missed it. When you told me that something happened to you on the job in Atlanta, I should've pried. I shouldn't have left it alone when you said it wasn't worth pursuing. Maybe if I had pried, maybe we wouldn't have gotten to this point. Maybe we could've had a friendship. Maybe I wouldn't have been so hard on you. I'm sorry that I overlooked you. I was upset about my former partner leaving, and I took that out on you, and I'm sorry. You were obviously in pain, and I shouldn't have let you go through that alone," Olivia apologized.

"It's like you _want_ me to slap you," Amanda spat, her voice a venomous whisper, remembering the previous night when she _did_ slap Olivia.

"I know that whatever happened, it had to do with Patton," Olivia stated, ignoring Amanda's remark.

"Get out. I'm not talking about this," Amanda spat.

"I should've figured it out when Detective Taymor was raped," Olivia continued.

"Get out!" Amanda screamed, causing Olivia to flinch.

"Amanda, you can't just ignore what happened. _Please_ , trust me. I know this whole situation must be hard. I know things have been difficult since Patton was last here," Olivia pressed.

"Shut up, Olivia! That was months ago! Get out!" Amanda screamed. Her body was violently trembling, and tears were welling up in her eyes. Olivia realized she had gone too far. She was trying to get Amanda to open up, and it was backfiring.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" Amanda cried. Olivia's heart sank.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered.

Amanda's legs gave out, and she crumbled to the floor, sobbing hysterically. As much as Amanda wanted the older woman to leave, Olivia wouldn't. Olivia wouldn't leave Amanda in a hysterical state.

Olivia sat next to Amanda on the cold floor. She had to fight back her owns tears. She felt guilty for any pain she caused Amanda, even though she knew it didn't have a whole lot to do with Amanda's current meltdown. Olivia placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder. Amanda jerked at the contact, and Olivia assumed it was deliberate.

"It's okay, Amanda. You're okay," Olivia tried to soothe her.

Olivia tried to pull the young detective into her arms, but it backfired. Amanda started screaming and thrashing around. Loud sobs escaped her mouth.

"Don't, don't! Please, don't! Please, don't!" Amanda cried, scrambling to get away from the suspect trying to rape her.

Olivia's eyes widened as she realized Amanda was having a flashback. She quickly released the young blonde, and Amanda crawled into the corner. She brought her knees to her chest and began rocking herself. Her eyes were squeezed shut.

"P-please, d-don't. Please, d-don't," Amanda begged through tears.

"Amanda, honey, it's me, Olivia. You're having a flashback. Open your eyes, Amanda. We're in your apartment. It's only you, Frannie, and me, Olivia. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you," Olivia tried to soothe the young blonde. Amanda continued to cry.

"Please, d-don't. P-please, d-d-don't. N-not ag-gain. Please," Amanda pleaded.

"Amanda, it's okay. You're safe. It's me, Olivia. I'm not going to hurt you. You and I are the only people in your apartment. Open your eyes. You're safe, Amanda," Olivia continued.

Olivia's voice began to get through Amanda's ears. Olivia didn't sound panicked, which confused Amanda. Didn't she realize they were in danger? Why was she so calm? Olivia's words soon registered in Amanda's mind, and she opened her eyes. There was still a panicked look in Amanda's eyes, which informed Olivia that the young blonde was still in her flashback.

"Amanda, look at me. It's me, Olivia. We're not in the bank. We are in your apartment. It's just us two and Frannie. We're safe. No one is hurting you," Olivia told her.

"We're safe?" Amanda asked in a whisper.

"Yes, Amanda, we're safe," Olivia confirmed.

"Liv, h-he w-was on t-top of m-me," Amanda tried to explain through tears.

"Sweetheart, you had a flashback. He wasn't in here. It was a flashback," Olivia said, her tone caring.

"I-I'm s-sorry," Amanda stuttered.

"You don't need to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong," Olivia assured her detective. A strangled sob escaped Amanda's mouth.

"It's all right, honey. You're all right," Olivia whispered.

Olivia repeated soothing words to Amanda until she calmed down. It took about forty minutes, but when she finally calmed down, Olivia lead her to the couch. She helped Amanda lay down before putting a blanket over her.

"Liv, I need to shower," Amanda whimpered.

"Could you wait to eat breakfast first?" Olivia asked softly. Amanda's face crumbled, but Olivia was quick to speak again.

"Please, just eat a little bit, and then, I promise you can take a shower," Olivia reasoned. Amanda nodded her head, too tired to argue.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered. Olivia turned to walk to the kitchen, which alarmed Amanda.

"Please, don't leave!" Amanda begged. Olivia turned back around and sat down on the couch. She was about to explain that she was only going to make breakfast, but Amanda started talking first.

"Please, Liv. I'm sorry for being so rude, but please, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone," Amanda sobbed.

"Ssshhh. Calm down, sweetheart. I'm not leaving you. I'm just going to make breakfast, okay? I'll just be in the kitchen. Just lay down, and I'll bring you breakfast when it's ready," Olivia assured the younger woman. Amanda nodded.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, ashamed of her sudden panic.

"It's all right," Olivia said softly.

When Amanda was settled, Olivia headed to the kitchen. She knew Amanda wasn't in the mood to eat, so she went with a very light breakfast. She put a slice of bread in the toaster and washed some strawberries. She poured Amanda a glass of orange juice. She knew Amanda would be reluctant to eat. Olivia herself had been reluctant to eat after Lewis abducted her. It took her a while to get back into a regular eating habit. The goal was to get Amanda to eat half of it.

Olivia brought the breakfast to the living room and set it on the coffee table. Amanda sat up and stared at the food with disgust. Olivia sat next to her.

"I want you to eat half of this," Olivia declared.

"Liv, I'm not hungry," Amanda argued.

"I know, but you still need to eat," Olivia sighed. She remembered arguing with anyone who tried to make her eat.

Olivia didn't blame her for not wanting food. Olivia had been in that bank with Amanda, and she didn't want to eat either.

"Are you gonna eat?" Amanda asked.

"This isn't about me," Olivia stated.

"So I have to eat, but you don't?" Amanda questioned.

"Fine. I'll go make myself some toast. When I get back, I expect you to have started eating," Olivia said firmly.

"You might wanna lower your expectations," Amanda joked half heartedly. Olivia smiled and rolled her eyes in amusement.

When Olivia returned with her slice of toast, she realized Amanda was correct; Olivia should've lowered those expectations. Amanda hadn't taken a single bite.

"Amanda, I told you to start eating," Olivia reminded her.

"I told you to lower your expectations," Amanda smirked. Olivia rolled her eyes, but her smile gave away the fact that she was amused.

"I had a sip of the juice," Amanda claimed as though that was a good defense.

"It doesn't look like you did," Olivia declared, looking at the glass of juice.

"I _did_!" Amanda insisted. Olivia laughed.

Amanda watched Olivia take a bit of toast before she took a bite. It was disgusting. Amanda felt sick. She wasn't actually sick. She was just so effected by the last twenty four hours that food didn't seem like a good idea.

"Olivia, I really can't eat," Amanda whined.

"Amanda, you need to eat more than one bite," Olivia said seriously.

"Please, Liv. I feel sick. Don't make me eat right now," Amanda whimpered. Olivia sighed.

"Okay. You don't have to eat right now, but you have to try again later," Olivia decided. Amanda nodded, agreeing to Olivia's conditions. There was a silent pause before Amanda spoke up.

"How are you doing? You know... after... yesterday?" Amanda asked.

"Shaken up, but I'll get through it," Olivia answered. Amanda nodded. Olivia would've preferred to claim she was fine, but she knew that if she wanted Amanda to be honest about her feelings, she would have to be honest in return.

"How are you doing?" Olivia asked.

"I don't know how I'll ever get through this," Amanda admitted.

"I understand that. From personal experience though, I can tell you that you _will_ get through it. It won't happen over night. But one morning, you'll wake up and realize you've slept through the whole night. You'll go to work and not feel triggered by a case that hits so close to home. You'll stop taking three showers a day. You'll eat full meals, and you'll learn how to laugh again. It doesn't happen over night, but it does happen," Olivia told her. The both of them were now teary eyed, which was something they both had tried to avoid.

"Can you promise me that?" Amanda asked. Olivia nodded.

"Yes, I can."

Olivia knew what Amanda was feeling. After Lewis abducted her, she didn't think she'd ever smile again. She didn't think she'd ever make another joke. She didn't think she'd ever get through a night without being interrupted by a nightmare. She didn't think she'd ever finish a meal. She didn't think she'd ever stop scrubbing her body so hard. She didn't think she'd ever be the same.

And she wasn't ever the same.

She grew colder. She didn't let many people in. She cried a lot. Many times she thought it would be better to just end her life. She thought she would never get better.

But she did.

The nightmares became less frequent. She smiled again. She laughed when someone said something funny. She didn't shower three or more times a day. She finished a meal.

She grew stronger. She grew more determined to get her life back. Resilience became one of her favorites words.

She was never the same. That wasn't always a good thing. That wasn't always a bad thing.

"I need to take a shower," Amanda mumbled.

"Okay. But just, please, don't take a shower to get rid of the filth you _think_ is there. You're not filthy, Amanda," Olivia said seriously. Amanda ignored every word except for the "okay". Olivia was pretty sure Amanda had ignored her words seeing as this would be Amanda's second shower of the day, and it was just after one in the afternoon.

"You can go now. You don't have to stay," Amanda mumbled.

"I don't feel comfortable leaving you alone right now," Olivia said truthfully.

"What about Noah?" Amanda wondered.

"Lucy's watching him," Olivia assured her. Amanda nodded.

"Maybe you and I can talk after your shower?" Olivia suggested.

"Okay," the young blonde mumbled before heading to her bedroom.

Amanda grabbed a new set of clothes from her dresser. She dragged her feet to the bathroom and locked the door. She turned the water on. Then, she began taking her clothes off. She was disgusted with her appearance. Her bruises were hideous, and the dark circles, pink face, and puffy eyes didn't exactly improve her appearance.

A fresh set of tears spilled from Amanda's eyes. Once her clothes were off, she quickly them into a corner and got into the shower. She hissed when the burning water hit her skin, but she made no effort to change the setting. She wanted the burning water to both punish her and numb her from the pain between her legs and inside her mind.

She scrubbed her body, as one could say, violently. She wanted to get the feeling of those men from the bank off of her body. She wanted to get the feeling of Patton off of her body. She wanted to feel clean.

Sobs left her mouth, but she was careful to keep them quieter than last time. She didn't want Olivia to hear her. If Olivia heard, she'd come check on her, and right now, Amanda wanted to shower and cry without someone asking if she was okay.

Amanda's shower lasted almost a half hour. She thought that was too short, but she worried the hot water mixed with her exhaustion could cause her to faint. Besides, she didn't want to risk taking too long and Olivia coming to check on her.

Amanda stepped out of the shower and dried off. The room was steamy from the heat of the water. Once her hair was dried, she put on a pair of sweats. Then, she exited the bathroom and returned to the living room.

"You okay?" Olivia asked. Amanda shook her head. There was no point in claiming that she was fine. It was obvious that she wasn't.

Amanda sat down on the couch and was engulfed in a hug. She didn't hug back, but she didn't fight either. She was tired and felt a mixture of fear and despair, and even if she didn't want to admit it, a hug wouldn't hurt. She wasn't sure if she'd ever forgive Olivia for the way she treated her, but for now, she would accept Olivia's kindness. She didn't exactly have a lot of people who cared about her, and she didn't want to be around Fin or Carisi right now. She wasn't going to admit it, but Olivia was right; it wasn't the greatest idea for Amanda to be alone right now.

"I know you don't trust me, and I don't blame you for that, but is there anything at _all_ you'd be comfortable opening up to me about? I can promise you this will stay between us. I don't want you to keep all of your feelings bottled up," Olivia finally spoke up.

"What about you?" Amanda questioned.

"What _about_ me?" Olivia asked confused.

"You want me to open up about yesterday, but I'm not the only one who got hurt. Are you going to open up to me?" Amanda explained her questioning.

"Maybe it would be beneficial for the both of us to open up to each other," Olivia considered. They were both silent for a few moments.

"Do you wanna go first?"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/n: hi, everyone! Thank you so much for all of your sweet reviews! They mean a lot to me! :) I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**

They asked the question simultaneously. They both giggled nervously at the fact. Neither of them wanted to go first, or at all for that matter. They'd both prefer to forget this ordeal ever happened, but they were too deep in to just ignore it. The events of yesterday happened, whether either of them wanted to believe it or not, and they needed to be addressed.

Lieutenant Olivia Benson didn't want to go first. She was the commanding officer of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit. She didn't want to hint at any weakness. She didn't want to show emotion. Even as a child, weakness was something she always hid from others. She was supposed to reflect strength in the presence of others. It was her job to support victims, not be one. Besides, she hadn't been assaulted the way Amanda was. She hadn't been violated. Olivia didn't feel as though she had a right to feel afraid or sad by the events of yesterday. She was fine. Well, she would be fine. She'd been through worse. It was Amanda who needed help. It was Amanda who had the right to cry.

Detective Amanda Rollins didn't want to go first either. Much like Olivia, she hated thinking of herself as a victim. Besides, her self blame hardly allowed her to see herself as a victim. She didn't want to express any emotion. She didn't want to go into the details of her thoughts during the assault. She didn't want to talk about the physical pain and emotional damage that had been done. It didn't help that she didn't trust Olivia either. After the verbal harassment she endured at the hands of her lieutenant since she first started working at SVU, Amanda worried sharing her feelings would backfire on her. She wanted to pretend that nothing ever happened. She'd pretended before, and it worked when she was in front of others. The only time she permitted herself to fall apart was when she was alone. This way, no one so much as _suspected_ pain.

Amanda tried to be a strong woman. She never wanted to show signs of a weak victim. Perhaps it was because she didn't want to be pitied. Why did she find it so important to always show strength? Was she trying to prove to other she was strong, or was she trying to prove it to herself? Maybe both?

Olivia was the same way when it came to not showing weakness. However, Olivia knew she was trying to prove to others she was strong. She didn't need to prove it to herself. She'd been fighting for herself her whole life. She _knew_ she was strong. She wanted others to know it too.

"You can go first," they simultaneously offered. Olivia looked amused, but Amanda was frustrated.

"We need to stop doing that," Amanda muttered.

"Agreed," Olivia smiled. Amanda rolled her eyes, not understanding what had Olivia so amused. Their situation was far from amusing, and Olivia was the most serious woman Amanda had ever known. Olivia wasn't one to crack jokes even in light situations, so Amanda didn't know why Olivia was portraying humor now.

"Amanda, I think you should go first," Olivia said genuinely. Her voice was soft and without judgement. She really believed Amanda should talk about how she felt. She knew there must be so much built up inside of Amanda. They had both been traumatized, but only Amanda had been raped. Olivia understood the trauma that came with _almost_ being raped. She imagined the trauma of _actually_ being raped was far worse than she could ever understand, and her heart hurt knowing Amanda had been raped.

Amanda didn't say anything at first. Olivia didn't push her to, seeing as Amanda was clearly pondering the idea of opening up. She was studying Olivia's eyes, looking for anything that proved she really was on the young blonde's side. After years of being berated by her boss, Amanda found it difficult to believe Olivia was actually in her corner this time. A few moments later, Amanda sighed.

"On one condition," she started. Her voice was low and almost sounded hesitant.

"What's that?" Olivia asked, ready to agree to any terms if it meant proving herself to be a friend to the young blonde.

"Whatever I say stays between us. And you don't get to use it against me later. You don't get to use anything as ammunition when you're having a bad day or feeling snarky," Amanda said seriously. She hoped her condition didn't sound as childish as it did in her head.

To anyone else, such a condition may have seemed ridiculous. Of course, Olivia would never use such things against the other woman, and Olivia didn't think such a verbal agreement was necessary. However, Olivia could be ruthless with her words when fired up, and Amanda truly did worry that opening up would backfire on her. It happened before, and not just from Olivia. It seemed as though just about every person Amanda ever trusted somehow betrayed her. Even if Olivia _hadn't_ mistreated the young detective, Amanda most likely would've still wanted her to verbally agree to the term. It wasn't the fact that Olivia was Olivia that caused Amanda to want this agreement met; it was the fact that Olivia was a person. Most people in Amanda's life had given her a reason not to trust them, and the young blonde came to the conclusion that no one should be trusted.

Olivia's heart sank. She had partially expected Amanda to demand her words stay between them, but she hadn't expected Amanda to request that her boss not use the traumatizing experience against her. It would be usual if anyone, even someone who was close to the person they were confiding in, to ask that the conversation stay between them. However, it reached a different level when one expressed fear of the conversation being used against them later. Did Amanda seriously think Olivia would use such a traumatic event to verbally beat the young blonde? Had Olivia really done such a bad job as lieutenant that one of her own detectives feared verbal harassment over a confidential talk? The lieutenant could admit to, at times, treating the youngest detective unfair. Bad moods were often taken out on the young blonde. Olivia had underestimated Amanda before, and she hadn't been the most welcoming person when Amanda first joined the squad. However, she had no idea how she completely missed the way her words and actions were negatively impacting her youngest detective. If Olivia could take it all back, she would. She absolutely hated that Amanda found it necessary to tell her not to use her own assault against her. Olivia felt sick to her stomach as the guilt hit her, and she mentally berated herself for contributing to the young blonde's trust issues.

"Amanda, I would never use that against you," Olivia softly stated, hoping Amanda would hear the truthfulness in her words.

"You use everything else against me. I figured it might be necessary to put the term in place," Amanda mumbled. She tried to sound tough, but the shakiness in her voice proved her nerves and uncertainty.

"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Olivia apologized. She was about to continue, but the young detective cut her off.

"Yeah, I don't really need your apologies," Amanda declared. Olivia simply nodded. They were quiet for a few moments, not knowing where to go from there. Finally, Olivia took a deep breath and decided to start the conversation that they had been avoiding.

"Whenever you're ready," Olivia encouraged her youngest detective.

"Um, I'm not sure where to start," Amanda admitted. She wasn't sure _where_ to start, but she _was_ sure she didn't _want_ to start.

"Just start at the beginning. From the time you ran into the bank," Olivia decided.

"This isn't a statement," Amanda said sharply. She didn't appreciate Olivia speaking to her as though she was a victim. More than that, she didn't want any of this in her file, though she knew it was bound to find its way there.

"I know. I just thought maybe the template of it would help ease you into talking about it," Olivia explained, sending a pang of guilt through Amanda. Olivia really was only trying to help. Still, Amanda brushed the guilt away, refusing to believe the kindness in Olivia's words.

"I heard gunshots, so I ran inside the bank," Amanda slowly began, not making eye contact.

Olivia listened carefully to each word Amanda managed to stammer out. At times, Amanda to pause in order to get a hold of herself before a breakdown occurred. Her voice was shaky, but she was able to get through the first part of the terrible story without tears. It wasn't until she reached the actual assault that tears welled up in her eyes.

"I-I... H-he p-pulled o-off my j-jeans, a-and h-he h-held me d-down. H-he... it-it h-hurt s-so b-bad," Amanda whimpered.

"Oh, honey. Were you a virgin?" Olivia asked softly, trying to keep herself calm. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut for a short moment.

"No," she whispered as more tears streamed down her face. She'd engaged in consensual sex before with one other person, but what happened at the bank wasn't the first time she'd been forced into sex. Olivia, of course, didn't know anything about Amanda's past sex life, and she wasn't going to ask. The older woman was about to explain that she wasn't passing any judgment, but Amanda started talking first.

"H-he was j-just s-so rough," Amanda told her. Olivia wanted to pull the young blonde into a hug, but she knew Amanda most likely wouldn't appreciate the physical gesture.

"I was so scared," Amanda admitted as a strangled sob left her mouth. Her body was trembling, and Olivia's heart broke. Amanda didn't show weakness. She and Olivia were alike when it came to things like showing no weakness. It hurt Olivia to see the young blonde in such despair.

"Oh, honey. I'm so sorry," was all Olivia knew to say. Olivia pulled the young blonde into a hug, surprised when Amanda didn't push away.

Amanda didn't go too much into detail about her thoughts during the horrific event. She told Olivia what the older woman already knew, and any other detail given was vague. Olivia didn't push Amanda for more details, knowing that Amanda wasn't an open person as it was, and the information she _did_ share was out of her comfort zone.

"A-and h-he w-wanted a-a t-turn t-to. It was like I-I w-was some s-sort of s-sex t-toy," Amanda cried.

She was now talking about the second suspect who raped her. Her voice was shakier, and it was more difficult to get words out. Her breathing was becoming more labored, and her sobs were getting more frequent. Olivia's heart shattered with sadness for the young blonde, and her blood boiled with anger towards the men who hurt her detective.

"I-I d-didn't want it, O-Oli-livia. I-I swear, I-I swear I didn't want it," Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, honey, I know you didn't want it. You don't have to convince me of that," Olivia tried to comfort the young blonde. How could Amanda think Olivia believed she wanted any of what happened yesterday?

"N-no, y-you d-don't g-get it. I-I didn't w-want it, b-b-but m-m-my b-b-body," Amanda wailed. She lost control of her breathing and was unable to finish her sentence. Her body was trembling, and her eyes widened. She didn't want that. Why did her body betray her like that? Amanda was used to people betraying her, but yesterday, it was as though she betrayed herself. What was wrong with her?

"Oh, honey, you need to calm down. Breathe, sweetheart, breathe. Deep breaths, now. In. And out. In. And out. You're okay," Olivia began, fighting her own tears. Amanda was unwillingly revealing a whole side to her Olivia had never seen.

"I-I-I d-didn't," Amanda started again, but Olivia interrupted her.

"I know you didn't want it. It's over. Ssshhh. You need to control your breathing. In. And out. In. And out. Come on. You can do it. In. And out. In. And out," Olivia continued. It was another few minutes before Amanda was able to gain control of herself again.

"In. And out. That's it. You're doing great," Olivia softly told her. Amanda's breathing was shaky, but she was composing herself.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't apologize to me. I understand. You don't have to be sorry," Olivia corrected her.

"Don't be mad at me. I really didn't want it," Amanda whimpered.

"Amanda, I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't want it. I don't know what I did that made you think I would ever be mad at you for this, but I'm," Olivia started, but was cut off by the young blonde.

"I really didn't want it. I begged him to stop," Amanda whispered.

"I know, sweetheart, I know. I am so sorry this happened to you," Olivia apologized.

"I-I hate my body," Amanda sobbed.

"Amanda, it's not your fault. Your body reacted. It's natural. It doesn't mean you wanted it. You know that," Olivia tried to remind her.

"I know that. I spend all day telling... victims... that," Amanda spat. Tears watered her eyes as she searched for her voice to continue speaking.

"But it's different when it's you. Why couldn't I control myself? What's wrong with me? I'm so disgusting," she sobbed.

"Amanda, stop this. It's not your fault. It's natural. _You're_ not the disgusting one. The men who did this to you are the disgusting ones," Olivia argued, her voice serious but loving.

"I need to take a shower," Amanda declared through a wail.

Olivia wanted to stop her. She wanted to convince Amanda she wasn't disgusting and didn't need a shower. However, she knew Amanda was emotionally drained. Their conversation was far from over, but they both needed a break.

"Okay, Amanda. We'll talk more when you get out," Olivia gave in.

"Yeah, it's your turn," Amanda mumbled.

"Amanda, it's still your turn. We still need to talk about what happened last night between you and me and the casino. We can't ignore that either," Olivia told her. Amanda ignored the older woman's words as she dragged herself to her bedroom.

She grabbed a new set of clothes and headed to the bathroom. She turned the shower on. While the water boiled, Amanda undressed herself. She scowled at her reflection. Her face was puffy, and her eyes were red. Under her eyes were dark circles. There were a couple of bruises on her face, but those didn't disgust her as much as the ones on her inner thighs. The person in the mirror was _not_ Amanda Rollins. Amanda Rollins didn't get bruised. Amanda Rollins was strong.

Mirrors often only reflect a physical appearance. The can show what a person looks like, but not who a person is. Their outward appearance doesn't always match their inward appearance. Yet, here she was, bruised and broken. This was one of those times where the outward appearance and the inward appearance seemed identical. She looked broken, and she felt broken. Actually, she felt more than broken. Broken things can be put back together. Amanda felt unfixable.

When she transferred to NYPD's Special Victims Unit, nobody in New York knew what happened to her in Atlanta. Because of that, she was able to pretend nothing did happen to her in Atlanta. What happened yesterday, everyone knew about. Amanda hadn't turned on the television, but she knew it was most likely on her the news. Her lieutenant witnessed her assault. There was no going back. She could try, and she would try, to pretend nothing happened yesterday, but something did happen yesterday. Her squad knew. They would never be able to look at her the same way. She couldn't fix this. They were all going to see her as weak and broken. She couldn't be fixed, not because she was broken, but because she was unfixable.

She stepped into the shower, hissing at the boiling water. She allowed it to redden her skin. She whimpered at the burn, but she didn't change the temperature. She couldn't change what happened, but she was going to punish herself for it.

It was almost an hour before Amanda emerged from the bathroom. She entered the living room, and Olivia's eyes widened at the sight of Amanda. Her skin was still red from the hot water.

"Amanda, what were you thinking? You can't take such hot showers," Olivia chastised her softly. After being abducted by William Lewis, Olivia took hot showers every day for weeks. She knew the physical burn didn't match the emotional pain, and her heart sank for Amanda.

"It doesn't matter if it burns," Amanda mumbled. There was a blank look in her eyes, informing Olivia that Amanda was numb.

"Yes, it does, Amanda. It _does_ matter. Don't do this to yourself, honey," Olivia whispered. She wrapped an arm around Amanda and lead her to the couch.

"I'm gonna get your a glass of water," Olivia informed her. She headed to the kitchen and returned seconds later with a glass of ice water. Amanda took one drink before deciding she didn't care for the water.

"Okay. Your turn," Amanda mumbled.

"No, Amanda. Actually, it's still your turn. We need to talk about how you acted last night," Olivia began.

"I said I was sorry," Amanda interrupted.

"I know, honey, and I'm not mad at you, but it still needs to be addressed. You're hurting, and I don't want to ignore that," Olivia explained.

 _I_ _don't_ _want_ _to_ _ignore_ _that_ _again_. Olivia thought to herself.

"I hit you because I was mad, and I went to gamble. That's all that happened," Amanda muttered.

"Sweetie, that's not _all that happened_. You hit me because I touched you. Did you think I was going to hurt you?" Olivia asked.

"Why not? You always berate me. I wouldn't be surprised if you decided to get physical. You wouldn't be the first," Amanda scoffed.

"I would never hit you, Amanda. I'm sorry if I made you feel unsafe or disrespected when I touched you after you said not to. I had no right to undermine you. I completely understand you hitting me. You also ran off to the casino. Did you think gambling was going to help the trauma you went through?" Olivia asked, patient and nonjudgmental.

"No. I didn't gamble to help myself. I gambled to get some control. To forget for a little while. It doesn't matter. I've relapsed before," Amanda grumbled.

"Amanda, it does matter. I'm sorry you felt everything was out of your control. If you would've told me, I would've helped you," Olivia said, trying to keep herself together for Amanda's sake.

"Whatever. Are we done?" Amanda questioned harshly.

"Can we talk about the nightmare you had?" Olivia asked.

"No," Amanda answered immediately.

"Amanda, I think we should," Olivia pressed.

"I don't care what you think," Amanda shot back.

"Amanda, I'm not judging you. I don't think any less of you for what happened," Olivia tried to assure her detective.

"Yeah, right! You've been judging me since the day we met! The only reason you don't think any less of me is because your opinion of me can't possibly be lower than it already is!" Amanda snapped.

"Amanda, honey, that's not true. I don't have a low opinion of you," Olivia tried to correct her, but Amanda interrupted.

"Yes, you do! I know you do! Don't bother denying it! And you know what?! I'm not sorry that I slapped you because that sting was nothing compared to what you've put me through!" Amanda exploded. Olivia sighed. She understood Amanda was currently on a rollercoaster of emotions. After all she'd unwittingly done to Amanda, Olivia decided that she probably did deserve that slap to the face.

"I'm done talking to you about this. I'm not telling you about my nightmare because it's not of your business. Stop trying to clear your conscience by pretending to be my friend," Amanda growled.

"I'm not trying to clear my conscience. I really do care about you. I'm sorry that I've put you through so much, Amanda. I'm sorry that I've hurt you so much you think I'm trying to clear my conscience instead of actually help you. I'm sorry. Really, I am. You can talk to me about your nightmare. I would never betray your confidence. I've hurt you, and I'm sorry. Please, let me make it up to you," Olivia pleaded.

"You can't," Amanda muttered, her voice low and broken.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/n: hi, everyone! I hope you enjoy this chapter! This is the last chapter, but there will be a sequel! Thank you for reading and for your support! :) xx**

There's quote that says, "If someone tells you you hurt them, you don't get to decide you didn't." Lieutenant Benson never meant to hurt her youngest detective. She never even noticed she was doing something wrong, yet here Amanda was, angry at Olivia for her constant degradation of the young blonde.

Olivia wanted to believe otherwise. She wanted to believe her words were not hurtful. She wanted to believe Amanda was being over sensitive. She wanted to believe the things she said to the young blonde weren't really that bad. Olivia didn't want to think she ever berated the young blonde. She wanted to think that her reprimands were always fair. She wanted to think that Amanda simply didn't respond well when someone superior scolded her. Olivia thought she had been a good lieutenant. She didn't want to think that her words were too harsh, or that she caused Amanda pain.

However, Amanda claimed Olivia's words had a negative impact on her. Olivia knew Amanda didn't like pity or sympathy, so she would never over exaggerate her pain. If Amanda said that Olivia hurt her, it didn't matter what Olivia wanted to think. She hurt Amanda. She didn't just get to decide that she didn't. Of course, hurting Amanda was never, _ever_ the intention, but it was the result.

Amanda had worked under Olivia's authority for almost two years. She had taken so much of Olivia's berating of her. She put up with whatever Olivia threw at her, deciding it was better than the sexual harassment she faced back when she worked for Atlanta Police Department. However, Olivia's words stuck with Amanda. She found herself more insecure and anxious than usual. She put a hundred percent effort into her work, and that always seemed to unnoticed by her commanding officer. Yes, she sometimes broke protocol or even the law with the intent of seeking justice for victims, but that was only because she was so determined to lock up the animals that hurt others. Olivia always saw Amanda's downfalls, but she seemed to overlook her passion and determination. What hurt the most was the fact that Olivia didn't even _realize_ how horribly she was treating Amanda. She really didn't know she had hurt the youngest detective. Amanda was used to having her good qualities overlooked, but that didn't take away from the hurt she felt when someone _did_ underestimate her.

It didn't matter. Well, it shouldn't matter. At least, that's what Amanda thought. To her, Olivia was just another person who didn't care. Olivia was just another person who despised her. Olivia was just another person who couldn't be trusted. Olivia was just another person. Amanda should be used to such treatment by now, seeing as she endured it her entire life. When she started working with Olivia, Amanda thought that maybe things would change, but they didn't. Just like everyone else, Olivia overlooked her-well her good qualities .

After their conversation, Amanda was emotionally drained. Enough tears had been shed, and enough trauma had been relived. Enough words had been screamed, and enough ears had heard them. Amanda's anger and despair had been replaced with numbness. Olivia felt horrible to see her detective so broken, but she'd be lying if she denied being the least bit relieved that she wouldn't have to go into details about her own feelings since Amanda wasn't in the mood to listen.

"You can leave now," the young blonde stated in a monotone.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone," Olivia responded softly.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care what you think? I'll be fine. I don't _need_ you here," Amanda spat.

"If you don't want to talk, that's fine, but I can't leave you like this," Olivia declared. Amanda rolled her eyes before getting up and heading back to her bedroom. Olivia flinched when the sound of the door slamming hit her ears.

Olivia helped herself to a cup of coffee. The events of the day before hadn't completely sunk in for her yet because she was so invested in helping Amanda. However, Amanda made it clear that she didn't want Olivia's help. Olivia sat on the couch, replaying the previous day in her mind.

Olivia witnessed Amanda's jeans being pulled off and her blouse being ripped open. That was the extent of what she saw. She couldn't bear to watch the heinous crime take place. She pleaded for them to leave her alone, even though she knew it was useless. Amanda's crying and begging shattered Olivia's heart. Amanda wasn't one to act emotional. She had never seen her youngest detective as the least bit fearful. Knowing that she was the lieutenant of Special Victims Unit and couldn't protect her own detective from being raped right in front of her caused her to feel deep guilt and intense anger. The fact that a gun had been pointed at her and there was a chance she, too, could have been raped during the hostage situation didn't bother Olivia nearly as much as the fact that Amanda was raped by two men during that same situation. Olivia was willing to die protecting victims, and nothing she could've done yesterday would've protected Amanda. Yes, she was shaken up from being taken hostage and having a gun on her, but if she could go back to that horrid day and switch places with Amanda, she'd do it in a heartbeat.

Olivia didn't realize she was crying until a whimper accidentally escaped her lips. Yesterday's situation wasn't as horrifying as when she was held captive by Lewis, but it did cause both old and new triggers. Olivia found the strength to pick up her phone and call Dr. Lindstrom to set up an appointment for the next day. Olivia felt like she was back to square one. She was better at fighting for others than for herself, and that proved to be true when she momentarily forgot her own trauma due to a cry coming from the only bedroom in the apartment.

When Amanda stormed out of the living room and to her bedroom, she slammed the door so hard even _she_ was startled by the sound it made. She crawled back into her bed and pulled the covers over herself. She curled up into fetal position, unsure if she'd ever feel like her normal self again.

No matter how hard she tried, she could not seem to stop replaying yesterday in her mind. The physical pain between her legs and the emotional trauma she was experiencing would not let her think about anything else. The trauma left her shaking, and tears began to stream down her face as she wondered how such a nice, sunny day turned into a dark one. She was depressed, humiliated, and as much as she didn't want to admit it, she was scared. She may have been able to pretend that what happened in Atlanta didn't happen, but her squad knew what happened yesterday, and her lieutenant witnessed it. Forgetting was not an option this time, and she began to wonder if it ever was.

The emotional drainage she felt mixed with her silent crying to exhaust her. She noticed her eyes starting to droop, and she decided not to stop them. She was tired in every way one could be tired. She wanted to sleep to forget Olivia was in the young blonde's living room, worrying about her. She wanted to sleep to forget the pain between her legs. She wanted to sleep to forget about yesterday. She wanted to sleep to escape, but she seemed to have forgotten that nightmares would be able to capture her once again. Sleep sounded like a brilliant idea, as if once awoken, she would find that yesterday was only a terrible, terrible dream instead of a horrifying reality.

 _The rough kisses caused her great discomfort, and the groping caused her to feel disgusted. She realized she was in a very dangerous, potentially traumatizing, situation. She tried to fight him off, but he was much stronger than her._

 _Sharp slaps to her face left ugly bruises, giving her physical reminders to stop struggling. However, she still struggled. She didn't want this. The pain inside of her was excruciating, and she just wanted him to leave her alone. Her ears could vaguely hear the lieutenant's voice, as if the older woman were somewhere in the distance. She didn't register the words coming out of Olivia's mouth at the time, but they were pleas for the suspect to leave her detective alone. Much like Amanda's pleas, Olivia's begging only helped to fuel the suspects' anger._

" _That was fun. You did excellent," he smirked after coming out of her. The young blonde curled up and was trembling._

" _Now, that wouldn't be fair. He gets a turn, and I don't? Come on," the other suspect demanded when Amanda begged for him not to hurt her too._

 _After the second rape, Amanda remained in the corner, scrambling around and crying out whenever one of the suspects got too close to her._

" _That was fun. You did excellent."_

 _"Now, that wouldn't be fair. He gets a turn, and I don't? Come on."_

 _"That was fun."_

" _Now, that wouldn't be fair."_

 _"You didn't excellent."_

 _"He gets a turn, and I don't?"_

Loud whimpers began escaping Amanda's mouth, along with pleas to not be harmed. She was tossing and turning on the bed in an effort to get away from the criminals. The pain between her legs intensified.

Olivia barged into Amanda's bedroom upon hearing a loud cry. Her heart sank when she saw Amanda scrambling around on the bed, crying and begging for mercy. She was tangled in the sheets, and she was sweating.

Olivia remembered a time when she, too, had intense nightmares that left her crying and sweating. She knew how painful this was for her youngest detective because she had been in that same position before. She usually came into work the next day moody, taking that despair and anger out on the blonde detective.

Olivia slowly approached the young detective, afraid that moving too quickly would create noise and frighten the sleeping woman even more. When she reached the bed, she had to remind herself not to touch the blonde. Physical contact during such a nightmare could cause the victim even more distress.

 _Victim._

 _Amanda was a victim._

 _No. She's a survivor._ Olivia corrected her thoughts.

"Amanda," Olivia whispered. The word didn't made it to Amanda's ears, and Olivia realized she'd have to be louder.

"Amanda, wake up," Olivia raised her voice.

"P-please, d-don't," Amanda mumbled before letting out a whimper.

"Amanda, you're having a nightmare. Wake up. Amanda, wake up!" Olivia pleaded, her voice louder.

Finally, Amanda's eyes shot open. She let out a sob as she sat up, ready to try to defend herself. She kicked the sheets off of herself, as though she thought it was a criminal. She glanced around her bedroom, taking in her surroundings. She was about to let out another whimper, but when she noticed Olivia was next to her, she held it back.

"What are you doing in here?" Amanda asked in exasperation. Her tone was bitter and almost panicked.

"I heard you from the living room. You had a nightmare," Olivia softly explained.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, her gaze towards the ground.

"Amanda, it's okay that you're not fine. Nightmares are normal, given what you've had to go through," Olivia stated, her voice soft and nonjudgmental.

"Liv, I'm fine. It was just a dream," Amanda tried to convince her lieutenant.

"Amanda, that wasn't a dream; that was a nightmare," Olivia retorted.

"Big deal. So I had a nightmare. Who cares? I've had them before. I'm fine," Amanda spat.

"Do you want to at least tell me what your nightmare was about?" Olivia asked. Judging by the sweating, crying, and slight trembling, Olivia would argue that Amanda was far from fine.

"I-I don't even remember. It probably wasn't that bad," Amanda lied. She remembered very well what happened in her dream. It was one of the worst ones she'd ever had.

"Amanda, you're crying and sweating. I know you don't like sympathy, but it wouldn't hurt to talk this out," Olivia pleaded. Amanda shook her head, frustration setting in.

"I'm fine! I'm only sweating because it's hot, and I was under the covers. And I'm not crying," Amanda lied again.

"Amanda, I heard you crying," Olivia reminded her. Amanda sighed, realizing she couldn't pretend nothing happened. She felt so embarrassed that someone caught her in the act of crying.

"Look, I know you think that therapy is paying someone to listen to your problems," Olivia began.

"I shouldn't have said that to you," Amanda interrupted. It wasn't a specific apology, but it got the "I'm sorry" message across.

"Then, make it up to me. I want you to see my therapist," Olivia smiled. Amanda scoffed.

"I'm not seeing _your_ therapist," she spat.

"Amanda, I understand that you're mad at me, but you should still talk to someone about what happened. I can have my shrink refer you to someone," Olivia suggested. Amanda rolled her eyes in annoyance. She didn't want to see a shrink, and she wished Olivia would let it go.

"It's just for a referral. You have to get cleared by one before you return to work anyway," Olivia reminded her.

"I'm fine," Amanda insisted. Olivia sighed quietly, wishing Amanda would stop claiming she was fine when she clearly wasn't. Olivia understood what it was like to not want to be seen as a victim, but she also knew how important it was to talk about what happened.

"I don't know why you're still here," the young blonde added.

"Because I care about you," Olivia softly responded. Amanda scoffed.

"Yeah, right," she muttered. Amanda's past experiences with people and the fact that Olivia seemed to despise her up until yesterday would not allow the young detective to believe that anybody cared about her.

"Amanda, I really am sorry that you felt as though I were degrading you," Olivia apologized.

"You _were_ degrading me. You've _always_ degraded me. Don't act as though I'm over exaggerating. Most of the things you say to me _are_ degrading. You have no idea what's it's like to work with someone like you," Amanda snarled. Olivia didn't mean to sound as though the apology was half hearted. Her wording was incorrect. She meant to apologize for making Amanda feel degraded, not for Amanda _thinking_ Olivia had _been_ degrading her. Olivia had been degrading her. Amanda had the right to feel upset.

"That's not what I meant," Olivia tried to explain.

"Just get out," Amanda grumbled.

"I'm sorry that I was so hard on you. I didn't realize it at the time, but I do now, and I'm so sorry," Olivia apologized genuinely.

"That doesn't mean anything coming from you," Amanda muttered. Olivia was about to speak again, but Amanda cut her off.

"Get out," Amanda snapped, though it sounded more like a plea.

"Okay," Olivia whispered, deciding Amanda probably needed some time alone. She turned around and began walking away.

"I'm leaving Dr. Lindstrom's card on your dresser. Please, call him," Olivia softly stated. She placed the card on Amanda's dresser before exiting the bedroom. She made her way out of the apartment.

Olivia wasn't sure if leaving Amanda was the best idea, but she figured she could either send one of the guys to check on her or she could call the young detective later. She decided she would have one of the guys call her or something, assuming Amanda wouldn't want to receive a call from Olivia.

Olivia didn't blame Amanda for being angry. She understood the rollercoaster of emotions Amanda was on because she, too, had ridden that rollercoaster. A tiny part of Olivia wanted to think that Amanda's anger towards her was only a result of being on the rollercoaster due to the events of the previous day. However, when it came down to it, Olivia knew that anger was not over exaggerated. It was real. Olivia's unintentional, but constant, degradation of Amanda had built up more than either woman realized, and it finally exploded when the recent traumatic events allowed Amanda to truly express how she felt. Olivia regretted hurting her youngest detective, and she felt sick knowing she didn't even realize she was degrading Amanda. She wasn't sure if Amanda would ever forgive her, but just like Amanda promised to try to get back into the lieutenant's good graces, Olivia was going to try to make it up to her.

Amanda grabbed the card Olivia left and stared at it. She knew she needed to get cleared by a therapist before returning to work. However, she didn't have to get the clearance specifically from Dr. Lindstrom, and out of anger and rebellion towards her boss, she decided not to call the number on the card.

 _Maybe this is why she's always_ _mad at me._ Amanda thought to herself. It was almost a second nature for Amanda to defy authority when she believed said authority was unjust.

Truly, Amanda didn't think she needed to speak to a therapist. The constant jumpiness, two nightmares, and constant showering didn't seem to convince her otherwise. She really believed she was fine. However, she knew she'd have to be cleared by a therapist before she could return to work, so she made a phone call to the department psychologist.

After setting up an appointment with the psychologist, Amanda wanted to take another shower. She went to the bathroom and turned on the water. She took off her clothes and avoided looking at the mirror, not wanting to see what she believed to be a disgusting reflection. She stepped into the shower, hissing when the hot water met her skin. However, she didn't bother to turn the water setting to a cooler one. She dumped two handfuls of shampoo into her hair. She scrubbed her scalp so hard her nails were digging into the skin. Once the shampoo was rinsed out, she grabbed the conditioner and poured into her hair. She grabbed a bar of soap and her washcloth. She scrubbed her body until it was red and raw, and the washcloth even left abrasions in some areas. When the conditioner and soap was rinsed off, Amanda turned off the water, sighing in relief when hot water was no longer in contact with her body. She stepped out of the shower and tightly wrapped a towel around her body. She went to her bedroom to put on another set of sweats before drying her hair. It was the fourth shower she'd taken since yesterday's traumatic experience, and she didn't feel any cleaner than she did the previous day.

Amanda dragged her to feet to the living room and sat on the couch. She heard Frannie's feet padding as the dog made her way from the kitchen to the living room. She jumped on the couch and laid next to her owner. The blonde smiled at her dog and gave her a pat on the head. Amanda turned her attention to the window. It was a dark day. The sun was out, shining bright, but to Amanda, the day was darker than it was sunny.


End file.
